monicabionika

planes trains and automobiles. part one.

2006-01-02T17:51:00.000-05:00

Oh wow.. the holidays, dude. DUUuuuuude. Awesome. I guess I'll just break it down:

Wed. 21st: Driving to Flagstaff to find Julie Patchouli and Charly. To wish them good travels and happy honeymooning. There was a mess of moving of the stuffs and goodbyes, but it was all good.

Thurs. 22nd: Drive with Ten and her cute dog Akasha. Around Panguitch, Utah where we took a little rest, I started getting giddy. It hasn't stopped! Around 8 hours later we had arrived to a smoggy Salt Lake City, where I immediately wished for sunnier times. That night, I hooked up with my best pal, Jennica for a birthday dinner with her Puppeteer friend, Fred! It rained all night while we dined a fabulous meal in Park City. Yummers.

Fri. 23rd: I hung out with my beautiful niece and nephew finally after not seeing them for 3 years!! they are so big and cute! We walked the city and shopped. It was good to hear the things they were into and get reacquainted with such awesome kids. I love them! During a cup of tea I was picked up by some iraqui dude named aladdin who wanted to take me home with him, but took me to a cuter guy instead. I bought lots of music from the cuter one, and ditched the offer for a magic carpet ride from the iraqui car salesman. TIM, WHERE ARE YOU?! hahaha. Later that night there was a great party at the Patterson/Nelson abode! You can always count on Utah to throw a theme party! Talk about blast from the past! While serving up some pisco sour I was graced by the presence of some wonderful old friends and giggled the night away.

Sat. 24th: Started the morning with Jennica at Sages to visit Kalani (who wasn't there!) later some more time with the kids, saw the mormon lights and had a yummy xmas eve din din at thier house!

Sun. 25th: Santa found me!! (santa found me at jenns, at grandma Bette, at Nancy's, and Karen and Fred's. damn santa...!) Very fine gifts from beginning to end!

Monday 26th: Hung out downtown. Uprok for some hip hop and chit chat with KelROK, then met up at coffee garden to rally up the posse for lunch at Trio, yuuuuuummmy! then Dave's for playtime with our new toys, hung out with Katie! then Ned's house for a little snack and wine, some fun time with the camera and off to Todd's Bar and Grill for Karaoke! (damn, randi you can siiiing!!) Then for some bootylicious at Monk's for reggae night! wooot! oh.. and then Heather's for some latenight chilean cooking and presents.

Tuesday 27th: Oasis with adam, dave and jared, saw first love's sister there. later shopping and gossip. then dinner at atlantic before cocktails at adams, and then chillin at monks before some knee breaking rockin 80's at area.. damn. seriously. I think I did something to my knee.

Wed. 28th: After checking out old houses and neighborhoods I hung out at the airport. Like all day. I was on standby from salt lake to Seattle, so that I could catch a ride to wenatchee, Washington. But a lunch with dave a couple beers, many a phone call and three flights later I was still in Salt Lake and two very heavy bags. So I re-routed from Salt Lake to Boise, Boise to Spokane where miraculously my good friend Randianne was with cutie patootie Ian visiting his family. NIIIIIIiiice house! Honestly, freaking charming. We caught up over chocolate cake and an art documentary. dirty language, and laughs. Apropriately, I fell asleep to dub and folk.

In all this my luggage made it safely to Seattle. And stayed there.

felices fiestas!!!

2005-09-18T23:45:00.000-06:00

It just so happens to be two weeks away from Chile, while today is Chile's Independence Day. It's a day full of great eating, drinking, dancing and drunking. I love it. It's just a great party. I dreamt of getting good and liquored up at a fonda somwhere with some good chicha, shoving anticuchos and choripans with pebre in my mouth. Maybe a nice huaso would pick bread crumbs out of my hair before dancing the national dance, the cueca, and whisper nice things in my ear about how lovely the rain is (for some reason it always rains on this day in chile.) I still keep seeing ranch dressing everywhere.

So my sister calls me up from work one day and suggests a party, and that we make empanadas(chile's "signature" dish, like meat turnovers I guess. ) I like the idea, sure.. I have nothing else planned, and what a better way to mingle with my sister's friends than treating them to a dish we love to eat?
We panic the night before, because it hits us...
...a) it's the night before, and we haven't shopped yet, b) we've never hosted a chilean party before, and most importantly, c) WE'VE NEVER MADE EMPANADAS BY OURSELVES BEFORE!!! It's not like this is an easy thing to make. My goodness, it's a two day affair. It's grueling arm work. Now I know why so many people have arthritis in chile, for shits sake. I had many a beer, many a moment where I missed my mommy, and many a moment where I totally wished I had just stayed in chile, and gone to the corner market and just bought myself one of the fancy ones that aren't all that chilean at all (spinach with cheese and mushrooms) and just walk through the park) BUT ALAS...

....we made them.....
..... with all our hope and faith...

... a little trial and error..

... and they were fabulous!

You know, I'm really glad that of all people to make empanadas with, it was my sister Ingrid, and right here at her home, with her family. We got a great response from the party, and even got congratulated on for our masa, which was super hard to make. Maybe they were also influenced by my uber strong pisco sours.. (hey, someone's got to keep things authentic, no?!)

Happy 18th everyone!

fonda: fohn-da (like jane) county fair type spill-proof area where chileans can get good and drunk with live animals and show off thier dress, food, rodeos, music and eatin halls. There are modern types now, actually called llein fonda (yes.. pronounced jane fonda) produced by the rock and pop radio stations, for the young'uns who don't really dig animals being chased by drunks.

chicha: chee-cha deliciously sweet alcoholic drink made of fermented fruits, normally grape or apple. Only found in the spring season, just in time for the fiestas patrias.

anticuchos: ahnti-ku-chos chilean style kabobs. Different meats with onion and peppers on a stick. TIP: Only allow yourself to have these on this particular date. There are anticuchos sold on corners every day in the street, but my motto is "barbeque on the street, don't eat the meat!"

choripan: cho-di-pahn sausage in a mini freshly baked hot dog bun, topped with pebre, a fantastic tomato and chili with lemon salsa, mayonaise and sometimes avocado. (NOT to be confused with the famous completo, that's a whole different hot dog. It's so much I could dedicate a whole month of blogs to it.)

huaso: wah-so Chilean cow-boy. Straight up, spurs- tight jeans-and-collared shirt with poncho-wearin', spittin', how-can-you-eat-with-that-mouth-type cow boy. Some modern day huasos think themselves modern, pop punk, computer freak city rats. but really, they all come home after a good night of partying to drink milk and wait for thier woman to make thier tummy aches go away.

empanadas: ehm-pah-na-thas Turn-over/calzone shaped food filled with pino (spicy meat and onion) raisins, black olives, and a quarter of a hard boiled egg all wrapped up in flaky and buttery topped masa, baked to a surprisingly yummy spicy gooey treat.

pisco sour: pee-sko sour A delicously strong and tart cocktail made from the native andes/pisco valley alcohol mixed with sour. Sneaks up on you and makes you drunk. Especially during many a going away parties that end up with you naked in someone elses bed and scratched without remembering how any of that happened.

it's all coming back to me

2005-09-07T23:16:00.000-06:00

Things I have been reminded of my first week back in the states:

Target
Costco
Luna Bars, and granola bars in general.
Horizon milk
you can't say the word "stupid " in front of the 3 year old.
you have to wait to hear the word "please" before you can spoil her
she might look 5 but there's a 3 year old in there somewhere.
3 year olds like to say "no" to you and make you chase them all over the stores.
the sun burns when you're in it for too long.. duh. it's summer here.
the moon shines on the other side
the toilet flushes clockwise now
bad radio stations
rap. lots of it. everywhere.
NPR
residential areas
family minivans
the concept of space between people while waiting in lines
"ya'all", "spankin' " yeahp" "mondy, thru fridy and sometimes saturdy"
the courtesy laugh
the greeters at the stores
customer service
KIX cereal!!!
Oprah
ranch dressing, bleu cheese dressing, garlic dressing, italian dressing, dressing... (I just use lemon. Chile has lots of lemons. )
cruise control
Its my sisters birthday on the 27 th
squeaky cheese
oversized portions of everything everywhere
littering is frowned upon
no one smokes in the states
I don't have to wash my hands so much, because the air is clean!!
I don't have to pick black boogers because the air is clean!!
I don't have to have opaque hair anymore because the air is clean!
My skin isn't so clogged up anymore becuase the air is clean!!
YAY FOR CLEAN AIR!

Here's what has been on my music mind
Gwen Stefani (I have tickets to see her next month!! wooooo hooooo)
Green Day (have tickets for that too!! )
Gorillaz (just bought the cd )
Babasonicos : Infame I just keep singing "Y qué" a lot.. dunno why.
El Otro Yo : Colmena good all the time.

super size

2005-09-06T23:50:00.000-06:00

woah. I'm back! I actually made it .

It took me a lot quicker than I had originally expected, but then everything went great for a while I thought I would have made it faster, but then alas.. I attract trouble.. getting stopped by cops at the airport, having to get a new passport, sleeping next to the bathrooms mormons mormons everywhere, getting hit on by the bag checkers, not remembering how much a phone call costs and nearly kicking it in public... .. but... I MADE IT !!!!!!!

I now live with my lovely sister and her lovely family in phoenix, AZ. Everything is big, beige and expensive. I have to stand on my tip toes again to wash the dishes, hop a little to get into my car seat, and save some room for more... Chile was just all fun size. itty bitty, just like me.

I have come to a lot of quiet observations in my head: most that are about family, my perception of adaptation, the myths of jetlag, and how fast little girls grow up. This is going to be a journey. I am already exhausted, and it's only 11pm.

will go into more detail when not all the lights are turned off.

songs that I have been listening to:
God is the rock : childrens choir cd
Buttercup : the foundations
I'm a little tea pot, short and stout : noggin channel

current state of mind

2005-08-12T23:02:00.000-06:00

I have just handed over the last of the documents along with the last of my cash for an uncertain very near future that supposedly lies in finishing my studies in Phoenix, AZ. There I was, in my new happy yellow wool shirt in the very highly modern offices of my university, walking towards the remaining step of process of operation fly away: resigning my presence as a journalist of the academic community that is UNIACC. I was so moved I nearly had a panic attack. Shit. I did have a panic attack, who am I kidding?

Ever had one of those? They fucking suck. You imagine the worst of a series of things and then somehow physically retain it. shit.

I freak out in macro. I thought that if the truth is already there, and I mess with it by making this mistake (if it is one) and not listening to what I feel, (referring to past posts posing the theory that I do not know how to listen to how I feel) then I'm messing with the whole butterfly effect and seriously fucking shit up, and I'm going to pay for it with something heavy.. like.. contaging my illness to anyone near me with this cough that maybe isn't a cough at all, maybe it's a fatal disease?! I mean, I've had it for two months now, and I get people sick and they choke on thier phlemy bronchi and during a coughing attack their lips get dry and chappy, and thier scales break open with blood and they die a bloody death caused by my being sick and not being level headed during this very important decision.
That, folks, is a terryifying thing to imagine in the fine establishment that is the first in its class while handing over this wad of cash that would process my papers and let me study in the United States of consumerist america.

Carajos. I fucking hate panic attacks. You gotta try to NOT EVER have them.

Breathe. All things are uncertain. The future is not now, and the past has already happened so don't think of how things should be, right?

I know this sounds hippy, but dude, you have to try to not let yourself get stressed and accelerated too much, it messes up your chakras. I worked myself out of it thanks to the mayans.

This is the part where I say fuck hair calendars, the mayans know what it's all about! I'm learning all about the mayan calendar and discovering my kin because my friend winnie(frede) just got back from spending the mayan new year at Valle del Elqui, all radiant and peaceful and now all the Current state of mind are understanding ourselves better in order to reach a higher level of universal peace. Now I'm floating. And it's awesome. And now I'm totally stoked about operation fly away.

Kin: Your lunar identity according to mayan culture. I am the red, self-existent moon, born under the lunar rithmic lizard. Meaning like the moon, I am cyclical and organize by balancing to level things out. And like a lizard I personally feel the need to change my skin at all times, no to deceive, but to interpret and learn to feel and put myself in the place of others in order to reach equality. Heavy.
Valle del Elqui: Center of magnetic fields, located in northern Chile, where mayans observed and registered the concepts of time. Side effects: mystic sensation of receiving tenfold what you bring forth, overwhelming peace, intense hangover from desert parties at nearby Pisco, where the alcohol PISCO is cheap because that's where it comes from.

Pandiniñas: From the words "pandilla" (pan-di-ya) meaning gang, and "niñas" (ni-ngias) or "gang of girls" consisting in fucking funny, creative and overall short group of girls originally formed in the nooks and patios of University Uniacc smoking and laughing and generally having fun like only girls know how to. Usually wears sunglasses that have gone out of style, takes a lot of pictures, and knows a lot more than you think she does. Antonyms: Los Tronix, and the OTHERS. Tip: We grow in numbers bitch, so either use that space on the dance floor or move it out.

Moral of the story: Discover your mayan Kin here to learn all about the mayan law of time, and yourself, so you too, can elevate to a higher state of mind and emit bad vibes which might cause panic attacks.

buen día!

2005-08-09T13:17:00.000-06:00

Lalalalalaaaa!!!

I have had the most wonderful amazing past few days!! Upon getting shit done on friday, it was off to adventure the city like a little kiddy pride.

Saturday I took my 18 year old ex-neighbor/little sister/ partner in crime out to Cerro San Cristbal and had a blast. With backpack containing nothing but tools for fun, we set off to conquer that big hill that is smack dab in the middle of the city, and is topped off with a big virgin mary which salutes me every morning from the window look out. It was a smoggy day, but we managed to take the elevator thing up and take pictures, took the tram all the way to the other side, and play in every little woodsy forrest nook and danced like fairies of the night. Lots of souveneers were scooped up before heading back to civilization and stopping for fanschops and fries.
Fanshop: a wonderful mix of fanta and beer.
Maki might be great for taking for rides, but the one taken up to the reggeton party to raise funds for the film students friends at the university would have been too much. Holy hell did I dance my ass off like never before. I sorta hate reggeton, thank goodness there was all kinds of music. and thank goodness for pisco sours. I remember being pointed at with parts of bodies against the wall at one moment, smoking prensado in the VIP, and singing my lungs out to El Otro Yo, and at all times a drink in hand. I am queen of the dance!.... whoo! made for a fucking nice hangover day after.
which was treated by ....

... Sunday at the park!!

I loved children's day in Santiago! On sunday we went to Parque Forestal, it's this great long park in the middle of the city. Like literally between the two main vessels of the capital. It's wonderful on sundays because there is the fera where all the hip kids in town swap/sell neat stuff like second hand clothing, artesan jewelry, music, vegan sammiches and natural fruit juices from rastafaris. This sunday was children's day, so it was especially nice. Do we celebrate children's day in the US? We should. It's fun.
I like to make a few rounds and check out the merchandise and all the lovely hip people of santiago, purchase one or two of those yummy sammiches and juices and sit on the lawn and watch the lovely people of this city pass by. There are groups of mimes, jugglers and trapeze artists that have a great reputation, and are usually moved by the beats of the hare krishnas that dance and feed thier public with strange but yummy krishna desserts.
I bought a lovely yellow wool shirt and a flowy summer skirt, three of those tasty sammiches (one to give away) a little book of chilean jokes, a bouncy ball on a string, some juice, inscense from a transvestite, and sponsored a few shirts for the girlfriends with whom I was accompanied. We took lots of pictures, some of which should be up soon. What a wonderful day! Oh, and then we all went back home, had chips and soda, played with the camera some more, watched the butterfly effect, played salon while watching the L word.. jeeze. Why is this lesbian thing becoming such a trend?!

My hair looks so hot.

I finally bought Colmena by El OtroYo. Maki and I sang the whole album on saturday. the words to Hoy Aprendí is like my mantra as of late. that, and well, Daddy Yankee.

While the getting's still good

2005-07-28T09:35:00.000-06:00

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! I have taken the decision to move on. To pack up my things and go. It is a routine I know well. I don't even have a routine in the shower. But this; going to the embassy, cashing checks, stopping for last minute lunches and laying on the grass and talking about the past, exchanging digits and emails, throwing out and packing up, dining at very traditional so traditional it's almost embarrassing eateries and stuffing down sopapillas pasadas and empanadas like there's no tomorrow, last minute revenge, and last minute hikes to up high places... This I understand.
My dear lovely sister has offered me room and board whilst I finish studies in Phoenix, Arizona. Yeap. I'm giving the school bit another go. I'm excited. I will be staying with the good side of the family, the ones that wake you up with coffee and notes with little smilies on them. A good place to ween back into the scary system that is consumerist America. Add a little anxiety to that excitement and you have a little ball of energy like you aint never seen. I'm all over the place. With a brand new and fully activated head cold, a liter of orange juice in hand, I have been trekking all Santiago with warm dreams of referring to old notes, raising my hand in class, hiking the arizona hills, taking a swim with my niece, reuniting with old friends... aaaahhhhhh!

You know, it's almost eery how different one's environment is when one is leaving soon. Santiago seems to be paying tributes in the most charming ways. Not only are my favorite, hard to find, very chilean things in stock, but on SALE. That song I always hum.. the one stuck in my head for years and years and years... "the girl from ipanema" someone played it on thier flute in the metro station on my walk through the city. The gaps in the road that I always trip on crossing the street; are being fixed. There has been nothing but sun since the day I had made my decision. Things are just falling into place.

Except my hair. Don't let loopy friends cut your hair. I am almost bald, for crying out loud. I attract only punks and lesbians now.

I'm a limited time offer baby.

Stand in the place where you are

2005-06-29T11:10:00.000-06:00

I think there are points in our lives when we have doubts about where we stand. In our 20's, we're all scattered around the world. I have my best friend in Ghana writing to me about her travels and doubts about traveling further.. I have the other best friend in Europe questioning the old ladies surrounding him in a turkish wave pool. I am down here in Chile, just done with questioning the so called glamourous lifestyle I led while I was here instead of getting my head straight. But you know what, who's to judge what or where we are is right or wrong for us?
I think a lot about where I'd be if I'd have gone somewhere else, or just hung on to what I had back in Salt Lake. It doesn't really matter. I'd still have the same doubts, because those doubts have nothing to do with where you are geographically.
The point is that we keep moving. I'm stoked that we get to move around, travel, live in different places on this earth no matter where we're from. We all have the same right to cross borders and enjoy the other side.
And yay for us that we're even cultured enough to not spend money on stupid shit, and opt for learning experiences with humanity. That gives me faith in our generation!
I'm sick. I had time to think about this. Thank goodness for citrus trees in the back yard and cable television. I just wish I had someone to feed me some medicine and make me feel better. I absolutely hate head colds.

I listen to Green Day.

that thing called love...

2005-06-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

Ok.. I have been avoiding the subject for some while. But here goes.

I think I get it now.. after much letting go, and just being out there and letting things through me, I have had a few breakthroughs about love.

I'm thinking that the reason things don't work out is because I don't put myself in it, I lack that certain love in situations. I horde it and show it off like a selfish bitch. I have touched on this selfish thing back when I first started this blog. I should have elaborated. But hey, some lessons are hard to learn. Love makes things a lot leasier. I am not present in what I do, or how I interact, how I communicate, not in what I dream, not in anything, really... always trying to think ahead, think think think.. therefore not enjoying what is, and what is in front of me. It's been like this for a loooong time. So then I tried not being selfish, but then again, still not in the present, and then I was just invisible for the longest time, and that sucked.
I was mute. Burnt out and jaded.
And then one day it just hit me in a dream. I don't know how to love. Not even myself. People love me, I know that.. and I admire them for doing it so much.. I wonder, how they do it. How Can I do it? And again, I thought thought thought... and here's what I come up with.

It grows. So it's ok to give it away all the time. TO EVERYONE. To friends, family, to your work, to your dog, to your cooking, to your emails, to your neighbors, to ex boyfriends... most importantly, to yourself.

Since it is like an organic thing, it lives, it requires maintenance, it rots.. it needs to be moved around. Not held in as if that's all you got. It can sit in there, and turn old and moldy and rot. And when you give rotten love to someone, it doesn't count. It's like giving someone leftover frozen pie. It's fake. You want warm, home-cooked pie.

It can be conditional, but hopefully undonditional. Like my dog. He loves me. I know he loves me. He can't be mad at me for leaving him outside when I have to travel. He comes right back in and snuggles up to me so tight and looks at me with eyes that say "I hope you never do that to me again." and then I do it again, but he still snuggles up to me tight. Same thing with exes, and family. We might treat other terribly for a while, with games and stupid looks, and whatnot. But you know what, these are people we've spent years with. We know eachother's grooves and creases. I still love people I treat like shit, and I know they love me too. Except Bush. I hate that mofo.. why doesn't someone just shoot him? and his brother.. can't forget that sneaky one..

ANd here's the other big one.. Love doesn't have to be with some wierd setting that mom and dad made up about right or wrong. Fuck, we're living in the 21st century. girls love girls, boys love boys, we love boys AND girls.. we don't have to get married, or be picked up at 8, or not sleep on the first night, or like that he smokes, or that she has a tattoo, or whatever. I was brought up under these conditions. And you know, what? My parents have terrible communication! Thier conditions suck. I love my parents. They have done great things for my family. But man, They really screwed up my perception of how people interact with each other. I had to learn this after a lot of heartache, lots of not getting why my half isn't enough, a lot of ignoring what's going on in my heart. It's made a lot of wonderful people try to crack me open and feel around. None of them got through until now.

I said this to someone recently in an email:
I know what you mean about discovering what you hate and love about yourself. I think I came all the way down here just to do that. (I am a late bloomer in that emotional intelligence department. I tend to ignore what my heart says and just think think think like a little strategic soldier, and well, my heart has been screaming until it's lost its voice, and as of late, my whole existence has been about trying to medicate it back to life. ) It has been a trip, being with yourself all the time. All my life I've been alone, but out in the company of others. I've always been really good at finding interesting friends. But never have I been this far away from familiarity, and naked with my thoughts. WIth objective opinions from strangers, new friends, and family that I don't know very well. It's hard to take that kind of hit from the outside in and try to swallow it and letting it pass through my heart instead of just through my head. It's a different kind of nourishment. I have learned to not just taste love selfishly, as I have always done, but now I am experimenting with actually just giving it away, because I know now that it can grow. Who'd have thunk it?!

So here are songs I've been listening to about the subject matter.

Al Green: Love and Happiness
Blur: Girls and Boys
Daft Punk: Digital Love
Janis Joplin: Take another little piece of my heart
El Otro Yo: Filadelfia, Canción del Adios, Lo de adentro, almost all of the album Colmena
Mungo Jerry: In the Summer time
Bjork: Big Time Sensuality
Erykah Badu: THink Twice

Oh man, this love thing is complicated. It links to taking risks, and letting go, and being raw, and probably what moms go through, (shhh i really hope I don't jinx myself a child..), so let's see what kind of adventures I'll have NOW!

by the seat of my pants

2005-06-09T11:03:00.000-06:00

Yum.. Happy days.
Days where I zip through people on my bike on the warm side of the street with headphones on.

Days where I get mail from long lost friends, and inside are new drum and bass cd's to listen through my headphones whilst on my bike zipping through people on the warm side of the street.

Days where I can't help but wake up early even if I've slept 4 hours because there's just way too much fun to be had somewhere on the sunny side of the streets.

Yum. Yummy food, lots and lots and LOTS of yummy drinks, all to be enjoyed in the company of others (whom as of late are born on this day years and years ago) so yes... brindis!! and "¡ que lo cumplas feeeliiiiiiiiiiiiiiz!"

I'm not even mad about the shitty paint job outside my house... nice prank. I will get you back mofos.
Not upset about 30 days ( starting right now) of being a hermit. There's a veggie garden to harvest and a space heater, oven, cable, and my life partner, my dog huey.

There are love letters to be sent, dreams to work out and lots and lots of glue. And to keep things constant, a few good bottles of pisco sour and space to rock out in.

Wake up to: A Tribe Called Quest, radio (www.rockandpop.cl), Girl rox comp.
Bikes bikes bikes: The Postal Service, Dj Dave Tada, Dj Shadow, Dead Milkmen
FOr birthdays with boys: Kusturica, Rolling Stones, Green Day, Weezer, Plastinlina Mosh
For Birthdays with girls: Le tigre, Peaches, Coup, Blur, El Otro Yo, Miranda!
downtime at home: gwen stefani, Electric Six, System of a down, Radiohead, Muse, Dinaosaur Jr.
Sleep: Broken Social Scene, Cornelius, John Coltrain Olé!

It's over!

2005-05-28T20:44:00.000-06:00

I cut my hair by myself, first time ever. EVER.

This to me, is huge.

Now, to those who do not know me personally, I have a LOT of VERY thick latin hair. in the space of one square centimeter on my head, you could probably find like 150 hairs. I have paid a lot of money for professionals to deal with it since I can remember.

* yes this is a metaphore for the past three years of my life*

Well, seriously, this is big. I had long hair.. I hated it for just too long. I cut it off.

It took me three days to do it, but yeah. I did it. Halleluja, the baggage is cut.

It's like a big fuck you to a lot of the shit I've been thinking about forever. And I think I've finally, thank god, FINALLY, sufficiently mourned all my losses over the past 3 years or so.

I'm done having black dreams, or ones where I re-live moments I fucked up, or miss so much. I'm done waking up scrunched on "my side of the bed", done with wondering where he got that hickie, with whom and how, done storming out of a coffee shop because of that stupid band..

I'm done being jealous of ex-classmates, or the VJ on t.v. that I once talked to at a party and secretly planned his death in my head while chugging with envious fury and only ending up drunk at a party full of VIP's.

My hair is fucking short, but cute. Uneven, with some accidental bangs, but cute. And being poor for so long has made me fucking hot. De fucking licious if I don't say so myself. So I'm done with that loooong moment where I wonder if I should make a move on that hot guy across the room, and chicken out.

I'm done chickening out. Done with sitting in the plazas in the neighborhood but not actually the offices of the hippest media in the country with resumé in hand.

I'm just done.

I cut my hair, I had this really humiliating dream that just sort of put me in my place, and now I have a new plan.

Don't you think for a second I haven't been listening to great music throughout all this.

Death cab for cutie: Forbid

El Otro Yo: Contagiandose la energia del otro (especially Lo de Adentro, and Canción de Adios)

Erykah Badu: Worldwide Underground

Le Tigre: This Island

Concerts on Vía X of Morrissey and New Order

i now officially hate cats.

2005-05-18T09:37:00.000-06:00

Stupid cat.
So now we have this great house in santiago. So great, my roomate decides it's ok to have a cat, that she found on the street. Good heart, but baaaad baaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea. We all have ringworm. Do people still even get ringworm in the real world? This is chile. I've seen some pretty fucked up diseases here, that don't exist anymore other places. But ringworm..

I itch.

I wonder if spastic moodiness has anything to do with this.

The one list I always am on top of.

2005-04-30T18:56:00.000-06:00

I found this in a notebook from 2001. I was smart back then. I wrote it and promised myself to look at it every once in a while to keep myself in check.

STEPS FOR SURE FIRE DISAPPOINTEMENT

1. Set up a reasonable goal

2. Tell yourslef enough times that you'll get there.

3. Keep telling yourself so you'll believe it, and everyone else how excited you are so they believe you , too.

4. Say one thing and then get distracted.

5. Be extrememly unfocused.

6. Get hung up on boys that hurt your feelings.

7. Don't prioritize

8. Don't take any risks or any shortcuts

9. Keep betting on merit

10. Make sure you run into dispicable old boyfriends , cheaters, and good liars especially after you've had a bad few days, and when you've completed a good month or so of non stop dinking around, so when they ask what you've been doing lately, you can look bad enough that you can say causally "not much" and really mean it.

11.Watch lots of people do stupid things.

12. Let yourself get jealous every once in a while.

13.Get really mad about people doing stupid things and promise you'll do something about it.

14. Repeat all steps, abunch of times. Soon enough, you'll get really great at procrastinating, being obsessive compulsive, and get extra points for shameless and sporadic shopping and drinking binges. Everyone will stop taking you seriously, and that's how to make yourself, and others disappointed!

I think I might still have a few tricks up my sleeve yet to be unrevealed..

:: I am listening to alot of good girl stuff still. That's what they do by Sahara Hotnights, He-War by Cat Power, New Kicks by Le Tigre, Little Troubled Girl by Sonic Youth,These Days, by Nico, Peaches, Hole, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that sorta stuff. It's keeping me real::

back on the saddle again

2005-04-26T11:13:00.000-06:00

So I had a couple of blurry days. Strange ones, where I have a million things in my head but not a word to say, not a bone to shake. Just.. burnt.
I made a couple of key decisions: Push for Santiago. Job hunt again, and make nice with the kids I live with. All very very hard for me to do.. but, achievable. I decided this because how stupid would I be to lose a really awesome house, three block radius of university, 3 best friends and 5 bottleries? I'd rather try to get my shit together and hope for the best than house sit in a small town.

I notice that the key music to keep around when trying to get a long with people that annoy you is something with a good bassline and fun drums. Reggae, old school hip-hop, and melodic indie.. like The Postal Service.

For personal push.. (like in my head..) I have been listening to grrrl riot bands and 90's alternative rock. Such as.. The Rondells, The Donnas, Sahara Hotnights, Tracy Bonham, The V-Area (SLC Represent!!!) , Dinosaur jr., No Ciudadanos, Placebo, etc. Of course, this is much different than last week, when all I listened to was in spanish.. This week I need to focus on self, and I am a gringa.. can't help it. English is what I can understand without thinking about it too much. God knows I should quit thinking...

Si quieremos la misma cosa, ¿por qué no se logra?

2005-04-13T18:20:00.000-06:00

= If we all want the same thing, why doesn't it work?

Weird the energy santiago has. It hypnotizes me. Every time I roll in from being out for a while, I get pulled in and just want to be participating in this machine of people making the city work. Why can't I feel that way with the house I live in?

Money, lack of interest, perhaps I have overreacted, or have been irrational. I doubt that I was ever ridiculous or harsh. Nothing I have put out that wasn't put on me...

If I leave Santiago for petty housemate problems, it would be a shame. Santiago is great, in all it's dust and noise. I love it. There are pictures of this city that no one else can compare with. My favorite is that I can walk and walk and walk all over the city, and I never get bored with what I see. Other towns simply aren't big enough to walk around. Other towns can't offer these people.. the type that are not stuck to tradition. The ones that move forward when the whole country is stuck. This is one big town that is in the middle of a social revolution. Other towns just have families.

Santiago isn't family oriented. It's too dirty for that. The little kids here are rude, stained and smoke at 9 years of age. They hang out at the stop lights doing acrobats for change. It's hard to look at, but it's different. It intrigues me deeply. So much, I have re-ignited my passion to document it, with pictures, essays and videos. It's too NC 17 for a happy conservative family to stroll through.

Santiago is a push. Just like any big city, it's a rat race, where you have to fight for your place, no matter who you are. All I know is that I'm getting my ass kicked here. I'm not going to deny it. Maybe a nice and objective girl from salt lake city isn't cut out for it yet... Either I need sharper teeth, or fix the bow in my hair and go home.

Which one will it be?

: In all this chaos I have been listening to ska. I feel that instead of sitting zombie-like waiting for THE right advice to follow, maybe the madness the bass has to offer is enough of an inspiration to just keep your chin up. I recomend Rancid, and some Argentine punk bands, such as El Otro Yo, Eterno Inocencia, and Fun People in times of intense confusion. Maybe you can get all riled up enough that a good idea will birth out of all that movin around :

the soundtrack

2005-04-04T22:04:00.000-06:00

Music as of late:
I have so much shit in my head I just either try to drown it out or synch it with someone else's music. Here's what I've been playing.

::Placebo::
Went to concert on the 1st. good good good. They are sooo glamrock it hurts. Loved the bassist. He speaks spanish and dances like he dresses. To kill. mmm.. Others opinion was that it was outdated, and over the top. Whatever. They're just jealous. Placebo is one of those few groups still around that really dig what they play, paint thier nails and face. No one dances like that on stage anymore.

:: Gwen Stefani::
Now I've been hanging around the girls a lot lately, and this lady keeps up appearances let me tell you! ALL the parties turn into dance party USA! I especially like how Gwen's producers are all very hip and bling bling. I wouldn't expect anything less, but was a nice surprise when I read that Andre 3000 and Jonny Vulture helped her out. Nice group of friends to have around.

:: El Otro Yo ::
Ever since I've known them I can't get them out of my discman. I got a copy of the lastest from this Argentine brother/sister band, Espejismos, as a birthday present from someone I once loved. It touches you in all those places that need a little push to get you going. It's a lot more punk than recent albums, but rockin enough for the bigger kids too. I am in love with Cristian Aldeana, and his sister María Fernanda is the bestest person I have ever met in my whole life. xExOxY!x go to www.elotroyo.com to play on thier website and see videos and stuff. Definitely one of the best bands I have come across. I almost now have ALL thier albums.

: Miranda :
Ok, these guys are heavy gay glam and it's so fabulous you have to love it. They are from argentina, and are coming to play here on the 7th. I wish I had money to see them. I'd dance them all off the dance floor!

::CHC::
These guys are chilean. Very good and very groovy. I love the lyrics because they are so sincere and so endearing you have to laugh. They are on GMBH discos, which is an independent label. The whole label is good. Even the Network is on that label, and that's impressive to me. (The Network is a side group that Billy Joe from Green Day has, and it's so electro it makes devo blush.) Anyway, CHC is amazing and I've been listening to the cd all summer.

::Blur::
Even though Think Tank came out last year, the whole Blur vibe caught onto me and I can't shake it.. it's too comfy. Like a big fluffy cloud, the sounds of Blur overtakes you with imagination and sunday walk to the park kind of bounce. I hear the new Gorillaz cd is about to come out (if it already hasn't been released) and I looooooooove the new video, Feel Good Inc. so I guess the guy has been busy.
:: Gorillaz::
See above.

:: Le Tigre ::
This feminist band is gggrrrreat! I don't have the new cd, titled "This Island" but I heard the single on thier website and it's just as grrreat.

Radios.
www.super45.cl a great local online radio station. too bad they don't post a playlist.
www.concierto.cl ditto.

you voyager you...

2005-03-24T18:21:00.001-06:00

Here's a mail I wrote for a friend.. it pretty much sums things up. And, looking at the astonishing amount of replies from my last post, ya´ll are pretty excited about news... so back to my life...

I have been missing you soooo soo much. Since we last wrote, it was christmas, and you were on your way down to mexico to read, sun and surf.
How did that go?
I don't know if I wrote you back, that time was hell for me. LIke real hell. So much, I have decided to take a year off and cool down from the hell I was in. Yeap. one of those break down things again. But all is well now.
School sucked ass, I broke up with my boyfriend, or rather he broke up with me... and I had to couch surf for a while until I got myself out of the abyss of the panic attacks and hopelessness pits of pitty. god... how pathetic.
it is now march. school is starting up again, and i have been partying like a freak since february, when most of my friends came back to the city. I have been alone, house and job hunting since january maybe. It's been ok. I found a great house with some awesome roomates. One of them is an ex teen pop star now turned bitch ass pothead and backstabbing liar. But i'm trying to get over that. Not that she's done anything in particular to me, but I have witnessed a few things that she's done that demonstrates her shining value as a person.. and now i'm sorta having a hard time living with her because she freaks me out. I figure if she can be so cold blooded with other people, how the hell am I supposed to sleep ok with her living in the same house... I don't know.. one of those power trip things I go on when I stick up for someone of my posse.
ONe of the major themes of my life right now is something you and I could always talk ages about: energy. I've been trying to do a lot of energy therapy lately. YOu know, being aware of my atmosphere, causing ripples and manipulating hurt and transforming it into something worthwhile. It's hard. especially when you've realized that you have become a pessimist in the past years.
I have two therapists. Both female, both young, and both very good. One is the doctor, who lets me talk in her office, tells me when I get ridiculous and says I should probably see a psychiatrist because maybe i'm crazy. The other one is a friend from school, a mom but doesn't want to be, and knows everything about energy therapy there is. homeopathic, i guess. Anyway, she's the one I take walks with, prints me off homework and gives me visualization classes and lets me scream in her living room. I like her a lot.
Anyway, I've been hearing your advice in my head ever since september, (or maybe i've always heard it, but that's when shit hit the fan) and I just had to write you about it: one was "when you've hit bottom, the only way to look is up" and the other " if you just listen to what's inside and what's going on, you only have to feel how to flow with that.. there's no reason to fight it." Now, I've hung on to those words, because they come from you, a person A) I admire very very much, and B) because you rock.
It seems like it doesn't matter how many famous people I know, or know me, or how much money I make, or how awesome my house is, I am just not able to be happy with what I am or what i have, and therefore dwell on the past and my mistakes, or try to condemn what has fucked things up forever and swear to never repass those steps again, making this mold of a snooty and stuck up conservatist person that i've grown to hate.
I think I'm ready for something else. I'm tired of people not getting me: not getting that I had a life before I came here. I wasn't born on the plane with a spanish dictionary in my hands. I'm tired of the fact that I keep thinking I'm a journalism student when really I might be something else.
so now i'm letting my hair down. I don't let people step on me anymore. i say what i want, and don't give a fuck if they fire me for it (which is what happened at my job on saturday.. the day boss hates me because he's a repressed drugged up gay man and won't come out, and i refuse to answer to his yelling or kiss his ass, so he fired me and told me i was inefficient. whatever. i told him to suck it. maybe he would like it and lighten up, because i've got more customer service and experience than anyone working there and no one can say different.)
At first I thought this new energy was a pms episode gone prime time, but it's overtaken me long past the menstrual cycle. But i guess this letting your hair down thing is a balance thing just like anything else. That is hard for me. I am not good at keeping constant. It takes up a lot of energy to keep up with what's good for you, and what's good for getting it out.
I miss my friends, I miss the ruckous, the chaos we made into harmony, the attention we got and eyebrows we raised.
Don't get me wrong, I have cultivated a wonderful group of friends. They might be all younger and more naïve than me, but we are in chile. It's not completely out of the dark yet. we've got globalization up the ass, but still, it lacks culture. They don't read adbusters or dazed and confused magazines. they don't know what public space art is. They don't take humanity classes in high school or know about 11:11. It's different. They party, rest, party, rest.. go to school and check in at home with mom and dad. It's just different. It's nice.. I mean, who doesn't love parties and resting?
UGH! I have been wearing the same clothes that I came here with, ( you know, the 555 hoodie that em gave me, the adidas shoes in order of color, mary janes and not socks) and i'm bored with what I look at every day. There's a lot of hip girls here.. don't get me wrong. these girls have got so much style, magazines wouldn't know where to put them. as for myself... I don't know where I classify either.
I just mean I've been alone with my thoughts for too long and I'm ready to rebel it up.
I've been talking to jennica through emails and messenger the whole time i've been here.. she's a good wire for me to tune into... that the claiming of art and space is still in reform, and kicking ass. It's a revolution that hasn't stopped its rounds. This makes me excited, and keeps faith in me, rather than giving up and turning on the tube.
To keep myself excited I either get drunk or go to shows, and even so, I find myself alone, always. It's the posse that I miss, and the ones I have now, are stronger than me in a different sense- they go to school. Or already sucessful with their bands and producing, and what not. I dream.
Anyway, back to existential speaking.. i know that this ruckous still lives in me because a few weeks ago I got my house broken into, and then while walking home a different day I almost got raped. On niether accounts did I get hurt, or let the bastard walk away with it. This lets me know I can still kick ass.
It's fall here, but I feel like I'm still on salt lake time, where it's spring. I feel like I'm waking up. Either because I'm a late bloomer, and it's march when I should have felt like this in december, or maybe because... well, doesn't matter why. I am thinking about what to do with all this energy.. what's next, and what to do with myself. School? radio? buenos aires? work? vagabond princess? the states? I'm looking into all these options right now.. trying to get a feel for what pulls me in.
You have always been in touch with what's up. So I'm going to ask you, what's up. What's going on with the warehouse, zoobomb and the like. What have you discovered, and what is the vibe you're riding on like? who of the crew have you seen lately? do they remember I exist? Do they know I remember that they exist?
Hope to hear from you soon, and that this email finds you well and in good form, soldier.
hugs, kisses, and mucho amor, mi quierida!
monikua

just some news..

2005-03-14T08:58:00.000-06:00

so here's what's going on in chilean life... my ex boyfriend's band on the front page, and then paul scheafer..

Tema que Tronic tocó en el recreo escandalizó a la plana académica del colegioDespelote en el Verbo Divino por canción erótica en show escolar
Jueves 10 de marzo de 2005
Foto: Carlos Catalán

El aguerrido baile slam, una especie de ronda con empujones, uno que otro puntapié y uno que otro codazo. Todo por el rock.
Los escolares sacaron sus corbatas para bailar al ritmo de “Paul”.
A.realacionados { font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; 1pt; color: #000066; text-decoration: underline}
“¿Cómo pueden cantar esas imbecilidades?’’, gritó un profesor justo cuando la banda interpretaba el tema “Paul’’, sobre la tórrida relación entre un adolescente y la masturbación.
Víctor García

Lo que pintaba como otro típico recreo del colegio Verbo Divino se transformó en un momento memorable para más de 150 afiebrados alumnos que alucinaron con una tocata sorpresa del grupo Tronic (organizada por la Radio FM Hit). Los muchachos gozaron el show, pero éste sacó de sus casillas a los adultos presentes, especialmente cuando los punkies interpretaron una canción sobre la masturbación.

“Esto no puede ser. Cómo pueden cantar esas imbecilidades”, gritaba el profesor coordinador del evento, mientras gesticulaba inútilmente para detener a la banda.

A pocos metros de ahí, el público, más cercano al de “Cachureos” que al rock, saltaba y se pegaba furiosas patadas al ritmo de “Paul”, tema sobre la tórrida relación de un muchacho y la autoestimulación sexual.

La pelotera

En el patio, empujones iban y venían de los alumnos de entre 10 y 14 años. “La masturbación es necesaria”, comentaba Tomás, uno de los enfervorizados colegiales.

La canción en cuestión tenía frasecillas como “pasa todas esas horas, todas esas duchas haciéndose la paja” o “cuando asustada una alumna grita: ¡Miren, Paul se está pajeando!”.

El nerviosismo cundía entre los académicos que contemplaban el show hasta que Tronic terminó la tocata. En el patio, con corbatas al viento y una versión soft del baile slam, la platea infanto-juvenil todavía se divertía y peluseaba. “A mí me gusta Iron Maiden, pero lo de Tronic estuvo bacán”, afirmó José, de 14 años, uno de los que repartió patadas, empujones y codazos.

Tras el exabrupto, el docente que lideró la protesta sólo atinaba a reclamar: “Esto no puede ser. Esas cosas no se hacen y menos en un colegio como éste”. Más tranquilo, pero igual de avergonzado, el profesor de Artes Ricardo Pino hacía sus descargos: “Acá tiene que actuar la autocensura, ellos tienen que ubicarse, porque este es un colegio de iglesia que trabaja valores”.

Recreo con alargue

Gonzalo Muñoz Lerner, locutor de FM Hit, explicaba la delirante experiencia que sorprende con un show sin aviso a los escolares durante los recreos. “La recepción en general ha sido muy buena y ya la probamos en el Instituto Nacional, a pesar de que existen algunos profesores que son un poco más conservadores”, comentaba y apuntaba directamente al colegio que los había acogido. “Acá en el Verbo Divino estaban muy enojados con el tema Paul, incluso querían parar el concierto. Nuestra idea es simplemente alargar el recreo”, manifestaba.
En la banda ni siquiera se daban por aludidos. “Nosotros no nos dimos cuenta de lo que estaba pasando. En todo caso, lo pasamos la raja mientras tocamos”, sostuvo Rigo, el vocalista.

jesus. can you believe that?! especially rigo's quote. pff. pictures and everything. here's the link just in case the pics don't show up: http://www.lun.com/TiempoLibre/Musica/detalle_noticia.asp? cuerpo=701&seccion=807&subseccion=905&idnoticia=C384209358505671 freaking crazy.

ok, and then paul scheafer. this one is in english. and this is msnbc... so i don't really know how great it's translated.. i hate msnbc. they lie a lot.

German Fugitive Arrested in Argentina
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:55 a.m. ET March 13, 2005

SANTIAGO, Chile -

The former head of a secretive German colony in southern Chile was flown to Santiago early Sunday after his arrest in Argentina.
advertisementPaul Schaefer, who founded the commune-like enclave in 1961, is accused in the disappearance of a dissident under dictator Gen. Augusto Pinochet. Pinochet ruled from 1973-90.
Schaefer, 83, also faces charges of sexually abusing children at the colony, Colonia Dignidad, or Dignity Colony, 245 miles south of Santiago. He was arrested Thursday near the Argentine capital of Buenos Aires.
Chilean Interior Minister Jose Miguel Insulza thanked the Argentine government for expelling Schaefer from its territory, avoiding a lengthy extradition process.
Schaefer was flown from Buenos Aires in a jet provided by the Chilean government. He was taken by ambulance to an undisclosed police station pending his appearance before a judge on Monday.
The colony leaders were repeatedly accused of cooperating with Pinochet's feared security services, and allowing its sprawling facilities to be used as a center for detention, torture and even execution.
The German leaders of the colony denied the accusations, calling them part of a communist-inspired smear campaign. The colony was self-supporting with its own hospital, school and farm.
Almost from the beginning, Schaefer and his aides were accused of keeping more than 300 German and Chilean residents against their will.
Several former members who fled the enclave said married couples were forced to live in separate quarters and away from their children. according to court papers.
The colony has been stripped of its status as charitable organization and is under new leadership.
A spokesman for the colony, Michael Muller, praised the arrest of Schaefer, saying "the time for justice has come."
"Our colony has reoriented its life, reorganized itself as an open, free colony, fully integrated to Chilean society," Muller said.

I don't even know what to say.. lots of stuff in the life.
Today I start night shift, so I'm enjoying the sun while NOT working.. YAY!!!
off to do stuff.

mmuah.

the universe is a math equation

2005-02-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

amazing how much energy one has. One person when charged enough can bottle up so much energy that they are capable of moving things, or spew out supernatural waves that change the atmosphere.

My energy just weighs me down. I tend to sleep or just blank out. I've been both sleepy and blank for months. MONTHS!! I'm ready to snap out of it.

The other day I went and visited a friend Isabel to ask about it and she consulted me about this energy block I am feeling. She and I worked on some therapy for my aura and internal energy. My shakrahs are all fucked up, my eyes are dim and due to lack of movement, my skin is yellow and like leather. I need so much help we didn't even know where to begin.
I will be doing this kind of stuff until I have enough money/time to go to this zen center I've found in el Valle del Elqui, which is owned by buddist monks and located way north, in the desert. wake up at 5 in the morning, meditate for hours and do relaxation and exercise guidance sounds totally adequate for my state of mind. Now that's a real vacation!!

One thing I've noticed in my spiritual and mental chaos, is that I am connecting with more iluminated souls than ever before, and able to sense the energy of others, while I am discharging my own. Children, for example. Isabel's 3 year old son Maxi and I have created a very interesting atraction. I see an old soul in his big blue eyes and he is always trying to be near me and does whatever I say. Strange, especially when I normally freak out around kids. This is definitely a strange time.

Although I have little faith in my manner of describing, or even understanding anything well, I would like to document all that has happened thus far, what is happening now and what will.

For example, my struggle with image is a quiet, slow battle. I tend to give in to routine from lack of creativity, or originality. I would like to do something drastic, something that says "wow check out that chick," like cut my hair or change my wardrobe, or material things like that... but I get lost in the thought of spending money and everything just goes to shit.

Money. dinero..
that's a big one. What I do for it, what I want to do for it, and what I consume is completely incoherent. Again, I am afraid to explore my talents and put them to work. Something easy and pleasing. For some reason, even entertaining the idea scares the shit out of me, and I end up doing something else, like sleep, as I mentioned before.
I associate money with a lot of things. I have had really good and really bad examples of how people value money. Living situation, for example... I would like to have enough money to have a nice abode and invite people to it. And whoever, really. Well, right now, I suppose I have a gigantic and potentially amazing house, but it isn't nice yet, and I certainly can't invite people to it without feeling a little naked in it. We've (or rather my roomates) have had lots of parties thus far in the house, and we put people either in our half furnished rooms, or in the naked living room floor, where my knees ache after 5 minutes of sitting. (we're all garzones, with many many mutual friends so it's sort of obvious there will be parties at my house.) My room is out of the question. while i have my bed on the floor which occupies 99% of walking space and not up on the loft above my shelf, my room is just uncomfortable. but whatever.
As I said, If I had the money, I'd just say fuck you to the roomates and do a major make over with the place. But, alas, I am eating sandwiches and bathing in cold water still, not knowing wheather I should spend money on a refrigerator or a plane ticket to oblivion.

One thing is for sure: this new living situation (with all of its dramas, insane sleeping hours, constant yearning, and non-stop reminders of my recent life that once was,) is heavy weight, and it gets tiresome after a while. I tire easily and frustrate for things which either have no solution or the solution simply does not convince me. Which brings me to another point:

If my living situation is so low, why do I have such high expectations, or rather, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I'VE GOT?! It is this question that I find most recurring and profound questions of this era.

I nor bush, nor my boss, nor all that is crazy in the head, are easy to adapt to change. This is a concept which is hard for me to follow, since all my life I have been part of the " half-full" people. And now, I constantly seek the part that fills what is empty. And sometimes, that filling can be toxic.
It comes in forms of high bar tabs, the unavailability to chance, feelings of demotion or nostalgia, confusion, dark auras and unhealthy sleeping habits.

In all this I am simply perplexed. I am unable to weigh the consequences; give or take importance to the life dramas that can either make or break my day. The concepts that have taken interest to my lifestyle now surround me with questions that a junior high school student could tell me about, but I am stuck in this demented foreigner in chile thing that I've got all that consequential stuff all mixed up and fucked up my life with false theories or dead ends. All that liberal space in my head is now being used up for tasks on my to do lists, that I don't even scratch off often.

So what...
I am moving more these days. Taking walks when I wake up from my 4 hour naps, usually around midnight or so, when there aren't many people in the streets. Since I am forced to be alone with my thoughts, (all friends are on vacation and not in the city) I am taking this time to really get to the grit of this crap so I just clear it out once and for all. Who knows if next week I'll have a new job or new living circumstance, or new country. I'm up for anything.

flash

2005-02-21T17:40:00.000-05:00

So much to tell, zero time.

thanks to those that post, and thanks for your support. I'm way busy now.. FINALLY, woo hoo. and thinkin real hard about where I'm leaping to next... Lord knows what I'm still doing here... maybe buenos aires?... hmmm. it's a nice dream, and not all that far away.. just three hours on a plan and TADAAAAA I'm there- and not here.

I know.. I escape. so what.

oh.. I have a house now. I used to like it until one of my roomates got all wierd on me.

dreams and to do list:

buy material for ladder in my room (my bed goes on top of a built in shelf, not on the floor, so I need to build a ladder to put it up there.)

flush out bad vibes from self

pedicure asap

fix camara asap

not spend money on booze

aaaAAY

2005-02-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

It's not going to be easy to say " I work as a coffee hoe at Starfucks by day and a waitress by night" and feel good about it. Maybe the pay will soften the fall a little bit, but that doesn´t make up for the mediocrecy I am about to settle for.

I may not know exactly what I want, and a year ago up until now I certainly had no idea. But now, as I'm looking to just fill my basic needs, and dipping into what I cold futuristically dive into, I'm getting ideas about what I don't like. I don't like that I have fallen. That I keep looking back. I don't like that I know about interesting subjects but am waiting tables. I don't like that I feel grounded, or "castigado" as they say here.

I would like to say that I do what I like and work hard for it, like a boy I once fell in love with. I would like to say that I put my talents to work and love it.

Right now, I´m a little confused as to what I like and what my talents are. I like so much! But I feel like I do soo little... I´m afraid to gamble and say "ok, lets try my hand at music" or "I'm feeling productive, lets throw parties and see how much money we can make, with a big collaborate production" uuups... there's a breakthrough....

I guess I could look at this year like a blank canvas. I can design it with some interesting splotches.

Maybe I might not always get what I want, and maybe I'll fall again. I also have to consider I have a public. Family and friends and a distant immediate family. The family part definitely stresses me out more than anything, and it feels like a flame up my ass. Although they support me, I understand thier confusion and frustration with me. They only see my downfalls. We have that in common.
It's just a matter of showing them who I am, and making that work.

:: c h u p ó n = h i c k i e ::

2005-02-03T02:15:00.000-05:00

A nice boy named Ernesto kissed me for hours on (different locations of) my furniture-less living room floor. That happened around 8 or 9 in the morning after a whole night of much talk of life, music, the universe and the urge to fight romanticism... The roomates discovered a little souvineer in the form of a hickie on my neck later this afternoon. hmm.

Ernesto is that tall, skinny and mysterious boy at the Univeristy that has always caught my attention. All my speculations about him turned out to be true: low profile, check. Artsy.. check. Beautiful on the inside as well the outside... check check. Maybe crazy.. uh.. check. oooh and even a little more than I had hoped for! The boy is a complete romantic. A thinker. An artist. A doer. He has a lot to talk about, and will be way sincere about it. When I looked into those hazel green eyes I thought I could listen to him forever.

He leaves for Buenos Aires, Argentina tomorrow and will be there to study art, and doesn´t really know when or if he'll ever come back.

I will most likely never see him again.

either i am confusing to others, or I am just confused

2005-01-31T13:15:00.000-05:00

So I had my couple of days of tranquility, and a few days of figuring out what the hell.. I still don't understand, but I allowed myself to accept, which to me is a big step forward.
Here is an email I wrote to a dear friend of mine in slc town... I will share:

I found a house and I live with some cool people, they found me a job, and so things are sort of miraculously well. I still can't believe it. It happened so fast, I'm still adjusting. I live with two other girls and a guy, in a great house in the city, two blocks away from my university, two best friends and all the china restaurants one could ask for. We now call the area the bermuda triangle. My roomates are great:Elisa is an ex-teen-super-pop-star (hahahaha) and friend of mine from since I got here. our friend Kati, tall and lanky and very funny girl who is a film major at the Escuela de Cine de Chile, and her best friend Rafa, a very low profile guy who is lovely to hang out with and whose presence reminds me of home.

My heart is still in bits due to everything plus three deaths of friends in two weeks. So my heart doesn't feel like it is going to get any better while I'm here, so the plan for now is just to save up so I can relocate to a different country. I know, escapism is my destiny, but, I don't know how else to deal with it. I don't know about school, I don't know about family, or friends.. I'm just trying to recuperate. And that feels good.

These past two days have been epic. We have been moving our things and reoganizing our lives in a heat wave for the past month, sweating in over 90 degrees of hot hot heat which was overtaken by a cloud storm that had been cooking in the wee hours of the night. By morning we had all woken up to fighter pilot clouds and tried to bundle up and protect our home from the impact of their breeze. That afternoon, while walking to my new work and contemplating my new life, it had begun to rain, and it rained, and rained, for a whole afternoon, with a few rainbows playing hide and seek, appearing and disappearing all over the sky making that one of the best sunsets I've ever seen in my life. (i have them all thought out, in chronological order) Yesterday the clouds seemed to float over the whole city, in a less agressive manner, tranquil-like, as if guardians.I wish I knew what they're guarding. Maybe secrets of my future, because I have no idea as to what the hell..

YOu asked about what I am changing majors to.. well, nothing is for certain, but I might move over to audio-visual communications. It's the leading major at my university, with the largest school and everything, and believe me, these kids all come out prodigies and are capable of amazing things. They do everything from T.V to film, to art installations, to space design, to tech solutions, to animation, sociology, and investigations..lots of places to get myself lost in. I talked to the director of the school today, and it sounds fantastic. I just hope the dough to put me back in school is enough. If not, well, I freeze the year and try to figure it out again. Right now I'm just caught in a whirlwind of what-if's... it's sorta freaking me out, to tell you the truth. like, I had to go see a psychologist and they think I went crazy.. but that's a different story.

hello, is anyone out there?

2005-01-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to say. I am tired, and should probably take a few days off to just try and tranquilize. if fotolog lets me register, you will see a link soon.

fuck panic.

tucked away

2005-01-13T13:27:00.000-05:00

I found this one of of the diskettes that I kept. I think I wrote this when I lived at Carlos Antunez, the apartment that warped me into the confused person I am trying to un-confuse. (circa winter 2003) I think I was less confused then, but didn't know what to do about it...

Santiago is starting to get a little constant. The same people, flow from current to current, and my current status is cloudy and unprosperous. Once a stiuation in time gets to be a little redundant, it all comes tumbling in the same after-tasteful pieces, only little gulps at a time.

Cat and dog food must be like that for thier consumers, and I feel that I have already bought the cow that feeds me its poisonous milk that in my mind, I can’t stomach. It has become a clumpy mess of heart-heardening goo, and my digestive system isn’t equipped to digest. It has become a second taste that isn't fit for my health, nor for my mind, body or soul.

My love has told me not to love nor depend on him so much that it hurts. That has always been my job to say. It hurts just saying it. I think that if it wanted to be something else, than it already was, and cannot be again. The obvious has been observed quietly, and niether one of us is inclined to tell it to the other, nor out loud to ourselves. It think it is just come to that point so quickly, because it is already in pieces on the floor, in form of crusty semen and sad faces that won’t disappear.
I try to remember why I was happy in the first place, and it doesn’t seem to work like it did before. He is a drug that has hightened my tolerance, and now I’m too high to look anywhere but down. I remember when he used to tell me I was beautiful, when he used to tell my shyly that he thought I was worth all of his time. When he told me that what I was was rare and something out of reach for him, or for anyone else that he has seen. It was all that I wanted to hear, and just what I want to be, because that is the reason why I am on this earth, I believe. A rare and beautiful species apart from the rest. It has made me more tall and more of the woman that I want to be, and the type of youthful person I was always capable of being.

Now he has affirmed that what I am is an illusion, and not what he thought I was, nor what I hoped for myself to be. It is a hard lesson to learn from someone when all you want to do is love all sides of them from all places. I guess I could have seen it coming. It was there all along, waiting for me to discover. It is something that I could have predicted for myself, and that is why I can’t even force myself to cry for it. It is something that is already done. And now he gives me a look that I can’t help but love to death. All I do is want to tell him that I love the way he looks at me, I love the way he wants me to be more than I think even I am possible of being.
I am not what you think I am, nor of what you think I can be! It is something that you think I am and I am not posible of doing!
I want ot be a fucking good journalist. I want to be a good perosn a good lover, and not something that you think I could be. He could be just my muse. I don’t know if there needs to be some sort of solution or if it's just the way I feel because it is something that is going to sooner or later consume the both of us, and all the people that surround us. I don’t have a leash on him, nor on the situation at hand. I don't ask for the things he gives me, which are amazing. I ask but don't push for him to give me the things I want, but he denies, which aren't all that out of the ordinary, like lunch in the park. I invite him to do such things with me, just like any friend would for thier other friends. He doesn't even treat me like a friend and that's what bothers me the most. That I am not an equal, but something more than what I am.

Spilt milk

2005-01-08T01:09:00.000-05:00

It's still not over, this shit I'm feeling from the aftermath of disastrous mistakes. Lately, I have thought in my head, wrote down and said out loud for some reason, "mistakes are costly." It's like a little meditation. I guess I'm really afraid to make them.

So I haven't really talked about it much to anyone. At least not well enough to even understand it myself enough to explain it; but I am recalling a lot of experiences where I have been tought to always avoid mistakes. I think I have been traumatized by it so much that it has been subconciously tucked away and has been seizing every spark of adventure inside me. Some people call it "following your heart." I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do that.

My experience has been full of sale buys and more value for my dollar, and always hold off for a better offer. I have always been interested in journalism because it is the "sale offer". It has a little of everything in it. That's using my head and not my heart.

Thinking about it, I had a really rough time in journalism classes. I was always stuck with the busy-because-they're-smart nerds scramming for a monthly deadline, while watching the kids in yearbook take fun pictures and make up ideas for one final product at the end of the year. Us journalists had to follow formulas and rules. Make dummies for our newspaper to make sure there aren't any mistakes. Because in the journalism world, mistakes are called liability. And no one wants that.. that's costly. The only good times I can remember is when the finished product came out, and not even all the times.. sometimes stories didn't get in, or layout looked sloppy. But at least I finished it.

I thought up of a little metaphore that perfectly describes how I have been feeling for the past year or so. I will share.

I have always thought of my head as a house. With little rooms and nooks in it, with shelves and places to neatly put away thoughts for when I need them.

In all houses usually the kitchen is where it's at, right? Where all the lovin gets put into warm batches of product... food for thought.

In my head thoughts have been floating around out of thier places. (Like those kids that are too stressed and magically move things in thier houses subconciously.) Things are moving out of place, bumping into other floating thoughts and the walls, making a mess.

I don't know who is in charge- voice of reason, spirit, parents, society, me, demons in my head.. but whoever it is, is overwhelmed because in my head, the kitchen is full of good intentions in the works. I had moved my head to a different place, to host different people, and share different things.

There are recipies in the making for cooking up a good feast for myself and others. A good carreer to dig into as the main dish, being well balanced as the fresh and visually attractive side dishes, and sweet desserts of love from baking a mold of a good girlfriend. Everything will be perfect, the table and the house is decorated all kick ass rock star artist and adventurous traveler style...

I feel like all these things have been heating up so long, and mixing with the thoughts floating around, that the cook isn't paying attention to the stuff boiling over... there's a ruckous somewhere else in the house. Yet there's a beautiful gourmet dinner for a big party (all the people in my life I feel I have to prove myself to) all exploding under pressure.

This is when everything is ruined.

The preserved and expensive ingredients I've picked up and saved for a good occation are burning up- pieces of exotic foods all splattered on the walls and all the skill to craft an amazing feast has been overcome by miscalculation and carelessness... all my hard work and hope for a potential good is up in flames.

There are now few things to salvage. It's time to simmer down and turn off. I have people to answer to soon, and my head is a mess. I can clean up, I can put away. I can make calls and I can try something else. It's not like the whole house is up in flames. But there are burns, and the feast is ruined. The pressure is still there.

I don't know how to explain what has happened. I don't know what I'm going to do. At least I have things to cook with, I have a house to live in. (well, in my head. Right now, I'm actually homeless until I find an apartment.)

What I mean is that it could be worse. I could be sinking in south asia, where people don't have homes or anything to salvage.

But that doesn't take away from this intense failure that I am feeling. Not being able to host any more parties, and tallying up more fuck ups to the house that isn't maintained.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm escaping when I can, getting out of this crazy house and visiting nicer ones. I'm trying to keep an open mind as how to make mine better before I throw in the towel and just sell it to something horrifyingly boring but safe, like... a husband and being a something domestic. Someone who knows more about housekeeping.

But I don't want to yet. I've hired a maid for the meantime.. (my psycologist) She points out the messes in my head but doesn't really know if that's where things go.. she's just as lost in there as I am.

Things seem a little more tidy- I look better. make up, weight loss, minding my posture.

Some things are put in its place- I can deal that I am not perfect, and I never will be. I am not the grand neighbor I thought I was..

The molds have been put away, the spills are cleaned up- it's spilt milk!

But we are all still alive, and hungry. There will always be a need for the basics. Shelter, food, safe environments. The metaphore isn't that far off from the truth. I'm freaked out. And I seriously want to just move away. I can't think straight even though a lot of time has passed. I spent new years in someone else's house, trying to figure out the state of my own. All the physical houses in my real life are messes and can't be sold. The only refuges I know of are out of reach, or I have been sorta kicked out of.

This is where I am..

Tomorrow I wake up again and try to put things in order. I have to talk to parents, (suspects and life support) about what to do about what's going on in my head. It will be in a desolate house in the desert, surrounded by an avocado farm, in enough heat to boil over.. That is not a metaphore.

prospero año y felicidad

2005-01-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

I ran away again for the holiday. I went south like a bird and spent three drunk/high/giddy/free days in (get out a map) Talca, Valdivia, Osorno and all the little towns in between.
lots of pictures lots of juay lots of laughing lots of fun!
bus, camaras, drum lessons, teens on the rocks, pony in the way, 18 juays in one sessh, swimmin hole, indie movie in the mall, girl talk forever and ever, walk everywhere and use every penny for the train. Traiiin, pretty dreams and silhouetts of pine trees next to lakes and full moon reflecting into the fog all around.
Wake.
our daily juay, mini bus to valdivia.. it is like spring. it's like dawson's creek. friend! giant house all to ourselves and equipped with maid. beach, arts and craf time next to the river. super production fiest yeah wooo

¡¡¡¡¡¡HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

wake.
our daily juay, clean, escape.. shhh. fighter pilot clouds, puffy clouds, beautiful clouds... beerrrrrrp. meadows and cows and blue sky, and oooooooh it's sooo nice, gotta feel that breeze yeah. we've arrived to Osorno!!!
girl time in the car some more. pictures. beeeerrrrrrrrrrp. juay with the kids, in the meadow with weeping trees and afternoon sky show.. keep looking up, it's pretty. thoughts of when i was a teen and i loved my friends, and loved escaping to see them, doing whatever I could just to get to the park and mess around. where did that energy go?!
drive by night shhhhh
wake
play play play play laugh hahahahaha play, yummy food, more movies, play play

w a k e ..... morning in santiago.

the normal life hits.

I have narrowed down my school situation to this:

I either try not to hate school and not flunk any more classes and finish up the journalism classes i have left for my degree and then go back to the states. I can either do it here, or change schools (which i sorta don't want to do, because I hate going through processes. I tend to get lost in the shuffle.
OOOOORRRRR
I change majors. Something that complements the kind of journalism I want to do. Like audio-visual communications. If I do this, not only would I get to meet more people, but I could do it at the same university which makes me happy, because I actually like my University. I just hate everyone in it. I wish I could be a giant and shake everyone out of it and replace them all with other people.

Yesterday I got back and went shopping for stuff I didn't need. See, this is what happens when I don't make lists. People, including my psychologist are telling me I need to lay off them for a while.. lookie at what happens! I'm a total ditz without them!! now how the hell am I supposed to pay for the stuff I actually need? damnit.

so today I made a list.

pack and move stuff to winnie's house where i will be staying until i find new home.
go to the U and figure out what the hell.
internerd
make calls (gabe, paula, delos, mommy)
sup up pictures so i can start a fotolog... I hear those aren't as hard as putting up pictures on this thing. there are less buttons and pages to go to so there.

I got a little lost after packing because it took so freaking long and i have so much freaking stuff. and then there was incredibly yummy lunch with background music i haven't heard of... sad love songs by ex boyfriend and company... so now i'm here.

and now i'm done.

*Happy new year to everyone I love, and everyone else.. Last year totally sucked, so this one has GOT to be good!!

navidad navidad..

2004-12-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

....nada de felicidad.. nada de regalos, nada de ....i don't know the words...

yep.
I ran away to my parents house for the holidays. Looking back it wouldn't have made a difference where I had spent christmas. It sucked anyway.

But I did have some good quality time with my mom the last day, and figured out some really important stuff so that I can just move on.

Moving on.. a concept so easy to understand, so hard to do. For these past months I have been contemplating as to how one moves on.. I want to do it the right way.. does that exist? Does moving on require as much thought as I have put into it?

No. Not really, because I've spent so much time thinking about it, that I haven't moved away from it. I guess I just had to get sick of thinking about it.

Here's what I think now:

I need a job. Any kind of job, and now. I need financial freedom to do the things I like to do.. Although in Chile, it is absolutely normal for parents to pay your way until you marry, I have been having a hell of a time dealing with that, and have been sacrificing all the little luxuries that make me happy. Stupid stuff, but important to me; like buying a new cd, or a pair of pants, shoes or a haircut. Since I have been here, I have put my shopaholic tendencies to a complete halt, thought about my parents, and how much they are dishing out as it is, with my apartment and tuition. I thought that asking for any more than that would be absurd. So I have been getting shitty haircuts and wearing holy clothing and embarrassed about my belongings since I've been here. Financial freedom is the key to end all of that for as long as I am here. I have a potential job at a restaurant in the fish market. (think the pier in seattle), After I get done here, I'm making a call.
I need to figure out NOW how long I'm going to be here. I have been presented with the option of "freezing" the year and working if I need to. Big decision, because if I truly want to finish school in the states, my ass is going to need a scholarship, and with these atrocious grades that's not going to happen. So I should probably buck up, and study for next year so I can get the hell out. If I can't pull off good grades, then I should take a year off, work, so I can come back fresh and kick ass.
So my lease is up this week. I need to look for a great apartment. No holding back. Just find a lovely place where I can host my new life and all the people in it. ..::scary bears::..
I need to get the hell over my ex. Thinking about it any more is going to kill me, and is only keeping me idle. I need to kill any hope there is, because it looks like reconciliation is not on the menu. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It makes me cry a lot, and I can't escape him, his friends, his band, his contacts... nothing. So again, time to bucker up and do something else. It's a harder and longer process than I thought. Probably because I'm fully understanding that yeah.. it's over. for reals. again, ..:: scary bears::..
I shouldn't talk about projects until they are actually in the works
With all this free time, I think I will take up an intensive spanish class, because I've come to a rut. I think of my mother, when she lived in the States. She lived there for over 30 years, but never really took a class, or tried harder to better her english. It's age, and stubborness, and lack of interest. She was almost my age when she moved there. scary bears!!!
My expectations of myself need to be cut down to a minimal, because well, I'm not wonderwoman. I can still get there, just not all at once, and definitely not now.
I really really miss my friends, and sad that I am not getting as much attention from them as I want.. BUT... helloo, I haven't sent ANYTHING since I've gotten here. I need to create. and what I create needs to be sent.
A make-over is due. I have lost over 25 pounds, cut my hair, and now wearing skirts a lot more.. but I need something a little more drastic... that tattoo shop is soooo calling my name. Maybe after I fill up my apartment and get going on saving up to go back home, I'll get a great tattoo to make me feel better. Maybe I'll go blonde, too.

write if you like... i like..

until i know me better

2004-12-17T10:36:00.000-05:00

heys for now

i don't know who's out there, but i am here still.
happy birthday
happy holidays
happy day

Who needs medical help? I've got horoscopes!

2004-11-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

So this is what I've found on www.venusgroup.com where I get the most complete horoscope readings ever. It could not be more exact. Yikes!

Whatever you do now, you do with seriousness and an in-depth approach. You have self-discipline that borders on self-denial, the capacity to make do with very little if need be, and the ability to do whatever it takes to accomplish your goals. You want to focus exclusively on your ambitions and what is important to you, eliminating distractions and superfluous involvements. Relationships that you have outgrown or which take your energy away from your deeper aims are likely to be put aside for now or to end altogether. (really now...!?!?!) Socially, you may withdraw or need to sever ties with people who are not truly aligned with your best long-term interests. Necessary separations may be part of the picture. (crap.)

Hard work, long periods of study, and concentrated efforts are laying the groundwork for long-lasting achievements. Inner work is also taking place. You have the opportunity to let go of old ghosts from the past and eliminate self-defeating beliefs, attitudes, and patterns. (well this is good, I suppose)

Positive Potentials:The capacity for thorough, painstaking work. The emergence of a deep sense of purpose, and the will to fulfill it. Resolving old, unfinished business and eliminating toxic people or attitudes from your life. (I find this scary, not necesarily good.)

Negative Potentials: Any tendencies toward fanatic workaholism or extremism in any form may increase. (ahh you know me all too well.)

Remedies and Suggestions:View whatever losses, disappointments, or endings in the professional or personal area of your life that occur now as necessary and helpful to you, even if they are painful in the immediate instance. Avoid blame or recriminations.Give yourself credit for the work you are doing now, and know that your patient, constant efforts are building something worthwhile.
( so this means I am going to flunk three classes and I'm not getting back with said sucky ex rock star boyfriend, but will rather be comfortable tutting along at my own pace at my non existent job.... "will work for fun" looks terribly close at this moment. I am so terrified I could poo.)

P.s. this is what free will astrology says... I reiterate.. YIKES.

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 25, 2004
You can't get what you want until you ask for what you want. That's always true, of course. But in the coming days, Sagittarius, it will be even more intensely true than usual. Your life will be a desolate wasteland of frustration if you expect everyone to telepathically guess what you're fantasizing about. But your life will be an overflowing cornucopia of delights if you state concisely, without any whining and without any attitude, precisely what it is you desire. Oh, by the way, here's a corollary to this week's Main Rule: You can't get what you want until you know what you want.

prediction: bad hair days ahead

2004-11-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

The psychologist told me today that I am intolerant, and too serious for my persona.
She could be right, but that doesn't help the fact that I feel competely lost. And looks like I have to feel this lost for a week, when I can see a professional, and can then begin to make any sort of major decision, because (and I believe her when she says) I am in no mental state to do so on my own.
Not that I have any sort of tragic case. It's just a bunch of little things in my head floating around, and I don't know where each thought should be put away, and any attempt to do so could send some of that clutter crashing down and harm me with a mental bruise. I made up that last part. I don't know what a mental bruise would be.

We do know one thing for certain:
I am different. Totally different than my classmates whom I have a hell of a time trying to cope with at times, totally different from the ex boyfriend whom I still miss, and can't help but miss no matter how hard I try, totally different from the majority of this country who tries to be a different country but isn't, and therefore is repressed and shows its agressions in a toxic manner, vía bad human behaviour that is atrocious to deal with on a daily basis, especially for people like me who have a liking for that thing called respect.

Good thing there are friends. They have been a wonderful distraction. But just that. Distraction from the reality. The parties, the planting, the cooking, the tape recording, the bad and horrible hair cutting with safety scissors with two people who have no idea as to how to cut problem hair such as mine....
You should really see my haircut. It is.. well. I don't know what it is. I have some hairs on the top of my head that are real short, and then there are little curly cues at the bottom that are real long. Not quite a mullet, not a pixie cut, not me at all.
it's just going to have to chill out in pigtails and hair clips for a while. I asked for hot sexy grown up rocker. I got a piece of creative work on my head that they said they will have to come back to later and finish it up because right now it's a little tiresome. hm. real sexy. Even in Chile, with people who are supposed to be the same blood as me, with black hair and everything still have less hair problems than I do. They all have 2 story haircuts, while mine is a big head skyscraper with many many levels.
Oh well. They look great. I just have to hang out with them more so I can try to blend in.

Oh well I guess it would be nice...

2004-11-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

remember that previous post where I confessed my belief in astrology? Here's what free will astrology has to say about my status lately. hmmm.

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 18, 2004

According to my reading of the astrological omens, you have recently fulfilled the first part of the Dalai Lama's theory that "not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." It may take a few weeks for the second part--the "wonderful stroke of luck" part--to fully take effect. But I bet you'll get a glimpse of its early stages in the coming week. Don't spend even ten seconds lost in regret about not getting what you want. Start uncorking your gratitude immediately.

verrrrry interesting. I totally feel like that not getting got part. And I am waiting patiently for that wonderful stroke of luck part. So this is a nice reassurance. I have that Faith song by George Micheal stuck in my head. Here, why don't we all sing along?

Oh well I guess it would be nice,
If I could touch your body.
I know not everybody,
Has gotta body like you.

Oh, but I gotta think twice,
Before I give my heart away.
'Cause I know all the games you play,
Because I play them too.

Oh I need some time off,
From that emotion,
Time to pick my heart up off the floor.
Oh, when that love comes down with-
Out devotion,
Well, it takes a strong WOMAN baby,
But I'm showing you the door

Chorus:
'Cause I gotta have faith.
OH, I've gotta have faith.
I've gotta have faith.

Baby, I know you're asking me to stay,
Saying, "Please, please, please, don't go away,"
You say I'm giving you the blues.

Maybe, ha, you mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And now another little "tie me down to loverGIRL" rules

Before this river,
Becomes an ocean,
And before you throw my heart back on the floor

Let me reconsider,
My foolish notion.
Well, I need someone to love me but I wait for something more

I'll just have to wait,
'Cause I gotta have faith.
I've gotta have faith.

Before this river,
Becomes an ocean,
And before you throw my heart back on the floor

Oh, lemma reconsider,
My foolish notion
Well, I need someone to hold me but I wait for something more.

Chorus

Have a good weekend folks! I'm off to observe the APEC, boogie all night long at a birthday bash, and study till my eyes fall out!!

assesing the situation

2004-11-18T16:23:00.000-05:00

So I know everyone has knots in thier heads they can't figure out how to unravel. I think I've got a bunch. It's that balance thing, again right?
I don't know. I have noticed that I haven't done art in a looong long while now. Almost a year, if I don't count homemade birthday cards and megamixes. Nothing. No collages, no art mail, no artsy pictures, no doodling in my notebook. It's all filled with blank pages, or unfulfilled lists.
I feel like the part in me that does and loves art is dead. Murdered, rather. I don't know if I did it, or if it passed away as a result from lack of attention, or what. Maybe the fact that I am now traumatized because my Journalism Professor told me that even my ideas don't translate into spanish, and I have not written anything for myself other than this blog ever since, has something to do with all this.
All I know is that it's gone. I can't think up very many things without having a nervous attack. Have I grown up and out of my youthful and free self? Can it be resesitated, or does it need to be reborn?

The death of art in my life is one of the things I have noticed lately, which could be related to the recent obsession I have with determining if I am crazy or not. The death of art, the panic attacks, the angst in my throat, the end of semester and at risk classes, the "what to do next, where do i start, how do i do it" constantly running in my head that I try to block out with bad habits.. it's all slowing me down.

When stuck in a rut, and before asking for help, I usually try to observe others. What separates thier doing from my thinking? Why am I still here? I am just as happy as them. I have the same frustrations, I breathe the same air. Do they meditate in the morning? Do they have help with thier homework? Are there tricks I am not aware of? Are they better time managers than me? What are thier priorities? Should I try to mimick thier priorities? How do they divide time in thier heads? Do they have loving families to go home to? Does money make that much of a difference? Are they eating different vitamins than me? Do they like what they do? Do I like what I do?

In high school I was also overwhelmed with so many questions I think I narrowed it down to my morning routine. A good friend lent me the advice of setting out my clothes and making my lunch the night before as a great trick to avoid stress in the morning which would later overlap into the rest of the day. I noticed it was totally common sense, but I figure I was just sooo into my pressure I couldn't stand back and be objective. I feel like now, the situation is a little bit more complicated, and I honestly have no idea how to desrcamble the muck that's slowing me down. I am wallowing in it.

There is the honest to goddess fear that my head will spontaneously combust if I don't asses this situation. I am ready to cut down on being such a thinker. I want to be a doer- only, I have not the slightest idea as to where to begin.

I have a bunch of lists, and instead of doing the things on it, I write another one, cleaner, hopefully, and add more things, with how to do it, and then later, in what time window to do it, and then a later one with what to wear, what to take, and what to eat so as to fit in more things without having to think of those other things. It's not working. The list in my head just keeps getting longer. Should I try to find the root of the problem?

hmm. let's see.

I just broke up with my boyfriend after a year and a half of stupid ass behavior. mmm no. that's good for me. It's helping me pick up the pieces of me, and examen if I need them to put myself back together again, the way I want.. in fact... YAY for break ups!
It's the end of the semester. I have about three classes that are nosediving. That's no good in any way, especially since I have no idea if I should stay or if I should go, and my dad is sponsoring me, a heavy change for me emotionally, financialy, independently, etc. Having bad grades doesn't help me get out of here.
I am thinking a lot about if I want to leave or not.. the pros and cons just confuse me more. I'm not even mentally stable to decide something like that. But I need to, and quick, because if I leave, with what, with whom, where, how, will I live?
I still have doubts about being a journalist. I love what I could be. I love what other journalists are doing, I love journalism. I hate what I am doing now, I hate what I will have to do until I graduate, and can be that hip cool multimedia journalist I want to be. Maybe it's the location.type of professors.environment.program.language.classmates.........or... maybe I am better off doing something else. yikes!
Is there something I am trying to escape? Is there something I'm missing? Do I have a fear I am denying, that I am conciously not aware of?

so much stuff I could spit

2004-11-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've been out for a looong long time. Really, my legitamate excuse is that I was incredibly busy. And I use the word incredibly, because I'm never really all that busy, and then for a good long while I was.
Here's what I've done since my last post:

Cried for the loss of my year and a half long relationship with aforementioned sucky rock star boyfriend. We had a clean break, supposedley to be "friends" but I can't really even look at him since I officially can't-deny-it-anymore fell in love with him right before all this crap happened and it's still lingering. So I am trying to kill all these worthless sentiments and mourned for about 20 minutes. until I...
...Said screw you about it and did everything I've ever wanted to do and had a blast. Including:
Directed La Pipol, an urban magazine for my photographic journalism class and got two A's for it, plus many congrats not only from my professor, but also the whole journalism school recognized my efforts!!! YaY for meeeeeee!!!!!!
Drank and drunk and drunkrrrrrrrrp. so much it made me realize that yes, I might be losing weight by exercising and eating much better, but booze doesn't do much for that pot belly... so I'm trying to find a different vice... so far I haven't found anything better than booze yet. I haven't been drunk drunk since maybe 18. But anything over 4 glasses of drink can't be good for me either. I am up for suggestions. Keep in mind that chocolate, carbohydrates, drugs, cigarrettes, overspending, or sex with strangers are not options. So in the meantime I have...
...Girl time every time. We made video clips and short film, mega mixes and having unexpected dinner parties ending in achy stomachs from euphoric mixtures of too much garlic and laughing so much. wooot! I absolutely adore my girlfriends!! Most of them study audiovisual and have souped up computers and very cozy apartments. So we crank up the music and crank up the silly and document it all on tape and edit it, to make hilarious hard copies.
Have been putting even more effort into RADIO FLYER and I love it as if it were an ugly child. The guys upstairs in radio aren't too fond of me because I always seem to get curious about the buttons they don't want to explain to me, and mess something up. If they treated me like one of the guys, maybe I wouldn't do that sorta thing. So I am left with the time old method of try and find out what happens... and it's working. They now call me up during program and congratulate me on the good music and my methods of handling the booth without anyone's help. HA! So there!
Planned and had a caaaraaaazzzyyy Halloween Party. I rented a bar on the hip side of town known for hosting underground rock bands, and publicized it a little late. Not very many people came, maybe around 50. Oh well. I sure got lots of booze in me and decorated the place awesome, and everyone told me they had an amazing time. It was crazy from beginning to end. I was still in editor in chief mood and divided a few dedicated friends into mission teams. The music team was awesome. And thank goodness, because if it weren't for them, the party wouldn't have been such the success it was.

I have to admit a few things here. The place I rented had a few catches to it- no amplification, and no outside drinks. So I had to call everyone I knew (besides the obvious) to get amplification. It was then saturday, and I had found nothing. So I had to gather all my courage and call up now one week fresh EX-boyfriend to lend me his equipment for the party. I cannot tell you how hard it was to make that call, go to his house, pick up the amps at the place and see everything he's never told me about, go and set things up without much talking, and take him back home. It was so wierd it freaked me out. We didn't say a word throughout the whole party, I couldn't even look at him. Other times when I wanted to break up and we were "friends" it wasn't hard, because I really only wanted to be his friend in the first place. I never even wanted to be anyone's girlfriend. We could party, and I could be coy, and it was ok, until he conquered me again. This time, it was for reals, and the fact that we couldn't really talk to each other showed it. My heart was rotting inside from so much lack of feedback and overexhaust these past three months.

So on the drive back to the bar to set up ALL BY MYSELF in only HALF AN HOUR I decided to pretend he wasn't there and get drunk enough to have a rockin time. And I did. Later I was told he was watching me the whole night. I don't know if that is good for me to know or not. I still feel bad for not saying at least thank you. The truth is, all I wanted to do was tell him how good I felt, and enjoy the night together. whatever. If he really wants to be friends, he'll call me, and give me my cd's back that I think he on purpose took that night, because only two are missing, and I ended up with one of his... hmmm.

Since the night turned into a karaoke megafest, I was handed the microphone on many occasions. I sang an impressive version of Blondie's "One way or another" where I raised the roof!! I impressed even myself. I had no idea I could rock it so hard. hahahaha fun fun fun. It was like a private party in a big playspace for adults, so we all sorta went wild. Kids of all (drinking) ages went home achy and sore from fruity halloween jello shots and coreographed dancing, mosh pitting to punk songs, and getting into your persona's character all night long. I wish I had taken pictures. mmm, maybe not, someone might have spilled something orange on my beloved camara.

I had bought an expensive ticket (thinking I would win back some money from the party... Ha.) to a music festival where Mars Volta and Pj. Harvey would open for the legendary Morrissey himself. sad anectdote: I bought it the day I realized the relationship was over, after spending a horrible weekend with said ex rock star boyfriend and invited him to at least get up from bed and accompany me on the walk. I was rejected and cried all the way to the mall and handed over that wad of money with tears in my eyes. I wiped them away when I thought of all the other hot boys who like Mars Volta and Pj Harvey would be there, and maybe even... ooooooo...ask them for an interview for my program.

Now, I don't mess around when it comes to music festivals. I live for that shit. So I got all journalist on it and tried to get a press pass for the event way in advance. like the day after I bought my ticket........ and was DENIED.

After many emails and phone calls, and even a little snootiness at the end I was ran over by two stupid girls at my university who got to the press passes first for some dumb pilot television show that no one will end up watching anyway. They don't even know who Mars Volta or Pj Harvey are! They made complete asses of themselves for the MTV casting my university hosted, thinking they know something about music. (which I knew was just a spot that they do to make a fool of people's confessions and was right, because the dumb girl was mortified when it went on air.. stupid girls.) Whatever. They just like the 80's.

I, on the other hand am trying to get myself untrapped from the thick muck that is the moneyless pit of Chile by contributing all my knowledge and hours upon hours of investigation so I can get the hell out of here the only way I can. A scholarship. So I used Radio Flyer and my name as a freelancer for many legitimate magazines to get me a press pass from DG Medios (who I KNOW give passes to thier friends!), and was told that no more university students are allowed passes. I still can't believe it. I feel like a child. Totally rejected.

Good thing I bought my ticket on the bleachers so I could at least take pictures without people plastering me. well. i was wrong about that too. I gathered a bunch of friends that also bought tickets (not bleachers but general) and went ahead and stayed with them in the torture pit that was the stadium of San Carlos de Apoquindo on the night of the 4th of November.

uuup! what's that? soapbox time? ready? OK!

::::::::::::A cultural note on the chilean masses:::::::::::::::::

They have no idea what respect for space is. None whatsoever. It is typical during any kind of event that you will be pushed, and not even asked to pardon the savage behavior. (be it concerts, street performances, littering, the appalling practice of checking out everyone else's grades during class, lunch line, mounting the busses of death that amazingly accomplishes not only transporting civilians but also killing them with black pollution clouds at the same time)

This push is normal here. I am still not cool with it. Especially when most of the people here are curious, which is good, but curious even when they don't care about what's going on, just to see it. Which is bad. Bad because Chileans in general are short, including 4 foot even me. (thanks mom!)

So lets say there's one tall person for every four. Lets also say hot guys are tall. Lets also say hot rockers who like Mars Volta and Pj. Harvey are tall and therefore will be up front. Now consider that Monicabionika is 4 foot tall, speaks english yet denied a press pass, loves pj. harvey and mars volta (even has a picture of her with them and touched omar's itty bitty cute and smooshy ass with so much pleasure she's been waiting three years to do it again) AND she's too damn short to see anything but the backs of people's heads. Everyone else there is dressed in black and there to see amor morrissey.

PLEASE organize yourselves in an orderly fashion and if you're taller than the other fans, please let them in front of you respectfully, since you'll see anyway. and if you don't feel like letting people actually in FRONT of you, then dance with them and share space horizontally, because well, it's MUSIC, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHARE MUSIC AND DANCE TO IT. MOSH, DO THE MOLLY FRIKIN RINGWALD, HEADBANG THAT GNARLY MAT OF HAIR YOU'VE BEEN GROWING SINCE YOU DISOWNED YOUR HIGH SCHOOL UNIFORM, WHATEVER. BUT CLEAR UP THAT SPACE, AND FILL IT UP WITH GOOD ENERGY AND ROCK OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO ALSO LOVE MUSIC!!!!! THE ARTISTS ARE WATCHING. LOOK HAPPY! NOT SMASHED.

:::::::::::::::: e n d s o a p b o x ::::::::::::::::::::::

uuuu. Good thing I brought a camara! I used it to see the whole thing. I'd flash a picture and bring it down to fun size level and say "uuuu, that's so cool! they're all dancing and stuff!" take another one and say " uuuuu, look omar's doing that whip the guitar around his sexy thin and dark body thing..." uuuuuuuu forever. (would post these pictures but I officially despise picassa so, sorry. but imagine a sea of boys' heads and then a really gigantically amazing illustrated print of a gnarly spider with a morphed woman on its abdomen as the backdrop. and in the middle of these two things, a stage where itty bitty omar and his itty bitty tooshie is rocking out in a red button down shirt with latin stylee black suit vest and itty bitty jeans for his itty bitty tooshie, in a semi afro, since it looks like he cut it, or washed it. sans glasses, as I have personally known previously of this head-taller-than-me hunk of fleshy rock to be. Five feet away from him is cedric in full on afro and rock gear, pouring his soul into the microphone in angelic soldier of rock formula that are his latin lips and satanic yelps. oh man. thank you lordie for hearing my woman part secrets!!) my legs were teetering underneath me. not because I was being smashed from all sides including my head, but because I honestly looooove Mars Volta.

A hot boy whom I had to educate a little about pushing little girls such as myself, and previous band information to was really nice and let me steal his space on the fence dividing the stadium in two. I hung onto that dirty thing as if it were my connection to static life. I could now see the stage and Mars Volta on it in all it's man rocker glory!!!! I literally kissed the boy thank you, and never looked back.

uuuu, better pictures. This time of a little ditty the whole band did after asking the crowd (IN SPANISH!!!) to dance with them, since of course, they love it when there's body movin' in the crowdspace. I was in awe. They spoke spanish the whole time in thier cute chicano accents. I never thought i'd say cute chicano ever in my whole life. haha. But it was definitely a crowdpleaser and they now have a whole stadium full of new fans. I hope they will keep to thier word and come back soon.

As I was rocking out on the fence, I had lost my gang who had drifted further back to avoid the push. Silly gang, the back is for kids. I went to look for them between sets and found them way further than where I was. The push was worse because the people up front were body grooving in all thier pj harvey colors. This also upset me because it was getting dark and could see less and less. If there is anything I hate, it is paying lots of money to see a great concert where I can't see anything. It gives me panic attacks. really. I suffered through it with Bjork at Coachella and am still mourning that loss. Good thing there were screens on the sides of the stage, and another hot boy hoisted me up on his feet and we made a human concoction of leg extentions where every once in a while I could see Pj. Harvey rock in feminine madness. More bad pictures, but lots more body grooving. Can I tell you how freaking awesome she is?! amazing body, amazing set, amazing voice, and she didn't give a flying ef. that people didn't know who she was. Chile was impressed. And I just smiled. I found a group of girls next to me that knew every song and every album there ever was from Pj. Harvey. We squealed in girly delight before and after every song and booed loudly when people didn't get that you're supposed to cheer for an encore when it's over. We laughed and danced a lot until one of them asked me out... uh yeah. Stupid non existent boyfriend that doesn't go anywhere with me!!

well, then the young and colorful party people traded places in the stadium with the old, dark and boring people to welcome Morrissey. I made a loud comment about it, and got a good laugh out of it with a large crowd... hahaha I'm so witty. don't get me wrong, I adore Morrissey, really. There is a light that never goes out is one of my favorite of all time songs, (of course that is a Smith's song from when Morrissey was young and able.) but now he is old, bitter and made me want to cut my veins open for the horrifying future that lies before us now that the elecctions are said and done and now the whole world can blow up at the drop of george dubbya's toupé. I remember perfectly what he said: (because there were no booze being sold at the stadium)

"Hello Chili... how beautiful it is to see your faces...is it because you are happy?"

-woooo siiiii, morrrrriseeeyy ei luov ju!!

"do you love life?"

-wooooooo siiiiiii!!

" I don't." and then he opened with How soon is now? (that song that TATU covered... I am the sun, and the air..... I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does... that song)

played a couple more songs and then said:

"We on tour are absolutely horrified about the elecctions in the Divided States of Amewicca"

-ooooooooo

"somthing about how the world is going to be blown up by bush and the whole world is now again at the play of his dirty fingers, that uuf... he was drunk and stumbled a little, and then said, so, live it up." and then played Such a little thing makes such a big difference.

played a few others and then talked about the tour.

"So tomorrow we play in Argentina.. "

-boooooo fuera!

"your neighbors..the ones you love.."

-boooo conchesumares!!

"oh you hate argentina?"

-booooo que se mueren!! boooo!

"Why? what did they ever do to you?" and then played Irish Blood English Heart, which, of course we all know, is about how stupid nationalism is.

then played a few more and talked about how people should just start telling him stuff, (because of the yelling from the crowds, another bad habit chileans have and also another reason for me to get on my soapbox) and said "just tell me now. everything, because well, it's all going to be over soon anyway" and ended with There is a light that never goes out.

and then I walked a million miles down the mountain back to the main road and to a dive to eat carbohydrate pizza with my friend and pass out at my house.

the fun doesn't stop there.

The next day my girlfriend who came to visit for the festival woke up and we had girl time and made collages and stuff and then got all dressed up in skirts and colors and took pictures and played in the park.
then I went all by myself to a rock festival at a very cool place up on the hill and got in for free because i know the bands.. hahahah and flirted with famous people and not so famous people, and regular people in the dark. I rocked out a lot and walked home by myself at 3:00 in the morning to avoid the grill my ex boyfriend's friend was putting on me about if I am seeing anyone or if I plan on it soon. Why should that be an issue? It freaked me out a little, so I ran far far away and took the long way home, thought about how alone I am, but how far I've gotten in just these three or four weeks of being a bachelorette. It still hurts, especially when I'm alone, but every time I break up, I am revived tenfold, and that's worth it.

back on the saddle again

2004-10-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so it's Tuesday again. Since I write too long of posts, I will try to keep this short. You know, to maintain.
Radio was sorta messy today. I really really really need a place to put my music until I am rich and can actually buy my own souped up computer. Right now, that's a luxurious dream. I have to hang out at the U, at my parents' house, and surf the net for about three days for new music, and music news. THEN, I have to rush out of class on mondays and tuesdays to get to the nearest available computer, because it's crunch time at the U. and people get fiesty about the computers... I am guilty of it too. ( I yelled at some lady today because she totally jumped my claim and told her just because she's elderly, doesn't mean she gets my respect...) maybe I'll pick up some trash on the way home to level out my karma. Anyway, that leaves me to hurry and copy only 4-5 songs at a time onto cd's from my ftp file that has very little space. I have complained about this before.
anyway, here's the set list:
RADIO FLYER
the ramones: the kkk took my baby away (dedicated to christopher reeves and in reference to a benefit for cancer in the name of the ramones.)
the mars volta: lost? ( I just bought my first concert ticket since i've been here and it's to see morissey, pj harvey and was pleasantly surprised to see that the mars volta will be opening... i cannot tell you how stoked i am. i had tears in my eyes when i handed over the money.)
tracy bonham: the real
cat power: he war (i am sooo addicted to this song. I think I've listened to it non stop for three days, and wouldn't be surprised if my listening totals upward of 50 times. it's that addictive. I think it's the drums, I don't even know what the words are about. I just get mesmerized half way through.)
redd tape: asphalt
daft punk: something about us
plastilina mosh: human disco ball
niñoboy: mi stereo
tronic: malos amigos
the sounds: 7 days a week
all girl summer fun band: video game heart
the clash: rock the casbah
the shins: caring is creepy

you know, I am putting sooo much loving into things lately. Like this radio show is like a mix tape that I give away to people I love, and even when I am walking home and see a cyber café, I run in for a sec to send a hey to a friend I haven't written to in years. And that seems to be working for me for the most part. It makes me feel good. Sometimes it's just exhausting, especially when you try to give some of that loving in many different ways, because at times it is unrequited. (translation: my heart hurts) that is another story, and my tear ducts are all dried out, so I won't even go there.

an overview of stuff:

yay I am the editor in chief for my very own magazine!! Even if it's for my photo journalism class, I am still taking it seriously and it's turning out soo pro. wooo woooot!!
loosening up. thanks to our fellow blogger erika, http://www.weighingless.blogspot.com I have been inspired to healthy me up, and have been eating better and doing exercises. therefore....
my muscles are doing that weird spasm thing in all places, and my abs hurt constantly. I wonder if people can actually see my face twitch.
sometimes boyfriends can suck for a long time.
discovered I am fantastic at editing for television.
I love my family, and my dog huey.
Maybe I'm ready to move again. I am applying for scholarships and grants, to see where they take me. Hopefully (oh lordy help me out on this one!!) it'll take me to New York.
dog bite scar, and dog bite black tooth mark on my thumb forever and ever. stupid dog. not mine, someone else's.
My new wine limit is no more than two glasses before I have an enormous headache in the morning... wow. when I was 15, my limit was two boxes.
Doing the money dance actually helps you get money.
girl time rocks.
I should really try finding drum lessons, because I drum even in my sleep.
japanimé is NOT my thing. ew ew ew ew ew ew gross, ikky yuk, ew.
have I told you I am so in love with Cat Power's He War?! I've listened to it the whole time I've been writing this blog.
I am officially traumatized by numbers. the phobia is back. How am I supposed to pass statistics?! I'm sooooo fraked out! I can't remember phone numbers, bus routes, I have to look at the clock for a good long time before I can comprehend what time it is... this is getting bad.
I look great in small square glasses. I should get myself a pair. people take me seriously in them. waaapshhh!!

f u picasa

2004-10-04T12:19:00.000-06:00

I officially hate and despise with all my heart and soul picassa and it's stupid hello. absolutely hate it. i would have posted a bunch of lovely pictures and an extensive report on my current whereabouts, but ended up screaming at the computer and doing something else. don't expect more pictures any time soon.

2004-10-03T10:28:00.000-06:00

doing what I love doing most!

the flow

2004-09-28T16:01:00.000-06:00

0 comments 0 comments 0 comments o comments
How boring.
I am not boring. I have lots to tell you, but I need feeback people. Are my posts too long? Do you get bored in the middle? Are you even there?
Radio was awesome today. Too bad the tape deck ruined my tape so it didn't record on it. Hope you tuned in because it was lots of fun, and I had guests LOFT come and play accoustic and comment on music. fun fun!
Other shorts:

Happy Birthday dear sister of mine!!
I am such the bestest cook ever of all time.
sometimes boyfriends suck.
dog bite
Went and saw EX, chilean alt band that was cool the last time I was here. It rocked, I had fun, took some pictures, and notes. Hopefully I can contribute somewhere.
I want to go to the voodoo festival REAL BAD. any donations or ideas to help me get there?
I am now starting to plan my fourth annual Halloween party, woo woo
I miss my friends. Bad. Like I am thinking about them all the time. Am worried that I am obsessed.
Am starting to dream crazy stuff again. For a while there I didn't remember my dreams. But now they're really vivid, back to normal. Still haven't flown in my dreams yet. That's my goal.

the end.

missed communications

2004-09-21T16:36:00.000-06:00

I had a really hard time waking up this morning. I hadn't dreamed anything spectacular. Just hot guys giving me everything I asked for.

I was just tired. I went home totally exhausted last night, and frustrated a little because sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I need. I am still learning that balance thing. I cooked even though I was too tired to eat what I made, so I could have lunch today. Watched the news because believe it or not I hadn't even found time to pick up the paper yesterday! So I woke up late and didn't make it in time to get to my communications class.

Funny, because I had spent a lot of time trying to get all my contacts covered- sending emails to everyone, updating my planner, writing this blog and preparing for my interviews for the week. And now I figure I'm more behind than I thought. I'm not going to worry about it, because aside from that not helping anything, I think it's time to take some time for intense work, you know, to make up for all that relaxing over the fiestas patrias. I'm ready for it. I am imagining myself doing sit ups in the morning AND at night to speed up this toning process, committing to at least four full hours of intense study, and spacing out my preparation for Radio Flyer so I'm not stuck at the copy center burning cd's half an hour before I air.

Today's show was great though. Good music. The computer crashed on the third song, and I backed myself up the best I could. Besides maybe 10 seconds of silence, almost no one noticed. So that was cool. Here's a review.

RADIO FLYER

Radio Flyer opening curtain (Yep, that's my own voice you hear. I sing on it)

The Strokes -Reptilia

Franz Ferdinand- Darts of Pleasure

The Beta Band -Dry the Rain, I Know, and B+A (this is where the computer crashed. I talked about how the band is breaking up because they don't feel like they're selling enough cd's, about how cool they really are, and how they are totally mentioned in Hi-Fidelity with John Cusak.)

Mew- Am I wry? No. (your new favorite band)

Metric- Combat Baby

T.V on the Radio -Dreams (your other new favorite band)

Niñoboy- Retro

Calambre- Acá

Loft- Panico en Santiago (they're coming to guest and play on my next show!)

Ex- La corbata de mi tío

Bjork- Human Behaviour (she launched her last album "Medulla" and her single, "Oceania" is wierd but cool. She wrote it for the Olympics and performed at Athens for the song's debut. The video is beautiful. The cd is weird. She did a remix with Kelis -yes, her milkshake gets all the boys on the yard- and that version is even weirder than the original. Listen to it a bunch of times. It'll grow on you.)

Dinosaur Jr.-Feel the Pain

Will Sartain- Beep! (haha. We used to kiss a bunch.)

Travis- Hit me baby one more time (Britney Spears Cover. I thought forever that this was Weezer's cover. noooo! It's Travis, can you believe it?!)

All Girl Summer Fun Band- Video Game Heart

Call and Response- Rollerskate

Boom Boom Kid- I Do

I took pictures of this show too, but I'm too much of a lazy ass to load it right now, because I have to download all this other stuff, and I never use the same computer twice, so it's not really worth it right now.

When I have more time to dedicate to this blog, I promise I'll set up pix, and a link where you can listen to my latest music discoveries. I can tell you that I'm totally addicted to Mew. LOVE IT.

For some reason I remember a lot of boys I used to be friends with in slc town when I listen to Mew. Why don't they write me? I guess I should add that to my list of things to do now, too. I miss them too much to lose them forever. Time to hop on a bus and ride for an hour. I haven't done that in a long while either. I was actually looking forward to it, but then looked at my watch and it's rush hour. Rush hour means all *lopez buses and *mayers, with sweaty people standing or rather swaying involuntarily with the masses. ik.

*lopez= hang on and pay attention, this takes some explaining. Lleno means full, pronounced "jenno" in Spanish. If yer cool like us kids, you omit the last letter and add an -i to words, converting lleno to lleni (fire=fuego=fuegi.). Then if you want to be even cooler, you add -fer to that -i, (fuegifer, panifer, lukifer= fire, bread, 1000 pesos also known as "luka" in Chile.) So when you do all that, you morph lleno to llenifer. That sounds like jennifer- as in Jennifer Lopez, that girl from the block. So instead of saying lleno like everyone else, you can say lopez. My boyfriend made that up. He has all kinds of words like that. When I met him and his friends whole hours would pass without me understanding anything. They have a whole sublanguage. I have a few pages in the back of my journal reserved for it so I could understand. I have to explain it to friends who meet them so they can understand, too. Good thing it's funny. "La microbus va lopez, tomamos la próxima." "I ate so much, I'm lopez."

*Mayers= If you pay close attention to the picture credits of movies, (ie: Paramount, 20th century Fox, etc.) you'll know that the one with the growling lion is Metro Golden Mayer. This is what we call the Metro Subway system.

The stars are projectors

2004-09-20T21:16:00.000-06:00

I religiously read horoscopes. There. I said it, and I realize it is nerdy and trivial, but I am soo addicted. I would probably not be such a fan if it weren't so true all the time. The ones I have found to be the most interesting are http://www.venusgroup.cl (it's in spanish, with english, and VERY extensive) Free Will Astrology, (http://www.freewillastrology.com) and believe it or not, MSN horoscopes. I have never paid for anyone to tell me my future, but for many years I have been paying attention to what these things tell me is coming my way. I still don't know with all that warning how come I'm still so damn confused about things. Here's what they say lately:

Sagittarious

November 21 - December 20

Free Will:

Physicists have been on a roll for the last hundred years. Beginning with Einstein's theory of relativity in 1905, they've uncovered secrets of the cosmos that would have seemed like magic to nineteenth-century scientists. Yet they still haven't found their Holy Grail-the "Theory of Everything" that would tie together all their discoveries and, in the words of Stephen Hawkings, allow them to "read the mind of God." According to my understanding of the astrological omens, you Sagittarians have been on a similar ride in the past 12 months. You've gathered tantalizing clues to the greatest mysteries of your life, but have not tracked down your personal Theory of Everything. That could change in the coming weeks, though. You're closer to the Grail than you've ever been.

MSN

You can expect some big changes to occur in your life, dear Sagittarius. All of the hard work that you have been doing on developing your confidence and self-esteem is showing definite fruit, and this is attracting opportunity to you like bees to honey. On top of all this, your passion is at full throttle right now, so be sure to set aside some private time with your mate. Plan a romantic evening, open a good bottle of wine and celebrate together!

I think that's all pretty exciting. I mean, a lot of friends and family can tell you I've been on this revolutionize-me trip for a while, since I came from little old Salt Lake City Utah, to big old Santiago, Chile. I had a feeling plates would shift. I remember telling my mom one night when she asked "are you sure this is what you want?" in reference to my moving, and I said that I didn't know what was going to happen here, but I felt I needed to make a change geographically to let things happen to me in other ways.

I kept a journal. Since right before I came, with lists of things to sell, buy and trade before I make the big move, to a little after I got settled into my first apartment, and wrote places to meander, party and consume. I wrote that I felt like a sea sponge, just letting things flow through me and not really worrying about filtering anything. I just sort of absorbed. That allowed my first year of University life to be amazing. I did surprisingly well and had a blast. By chance I met some of the most well known faces in the entertainment industry, and made great friends.

Like this horoscope says, I still couldn't hold it together. I am a chronic procrastinator. I feel like I suffer from some kind of mental disorientation sometimes and have no idea why I just walked into this room, or what task I was intending to conquer. I had no "Theory of Everything". My first semester of my second year was a total 180 compared to last year. Then I snapped. My third recorded break down. (I say recorded because I am now fresh from reading all my journals and notebooks since I was old enough to write, and I counted. )

In all this I must note that this can be terrifying at times, leaving one to feel vulnerable to panic attacks, which has happend in my case. The same surreal thoughts run through your head- " How am I worthy of all this? What happens when they figure me out? How long will this last? How can I make it last longer? Is it good for me? How can I make this balance? Will my parents and family approve? Do people make a living off of having a good time? Where's the proof? How much is almost too much?" The answers come in realities. You get invited to everything, you lose sleep, grades drop, you binge drink, your muscles ache, you lose things, freak out about what's going on, desperately try to fix things, you become selfish, in other words, you plunge into a downward spiral.

Time to examen myself, forces and faults, and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Not to mention figure it out soon, because some mistakes in life can be expensive, and for the first time in 7 years I am not supporting myself, but rather by parents whom are also just getting by. And Lordy knows I hate to ask for money or extra padding.

So if the stars are telling me that glory and moments of truth are to come, I welcome it! I have been doing a lot of personal battling making all kinds of little discoveries and affirmations. There are lots of quiet victories, which help me get closer to my mission of feeling balanced. For example, realizing that everyone has quirks, and I have to know mine because working with them help me function. Like having a healthy supply of batteries to fuel my life: alarm clock, tape recorder, cd player, camara. For a young journalist, these things propel me, and depending on them working properly, a chain reaction occurs and that determines a large percentage of my every day. Anyway, after all these little discoveries and victories, it gets a little crazy because you expect it is somehow connected by a mysterious secret that holds everything together and might make this balancing act a little easier to juggle.

I am going to dedicate Modest Mouse's album, The moon and antarctica- especially the songs "The stars are projectors" and "This life like weeds" to all the people who have anything to do with these intense discoveries. I also strongly recommend thier latest album "Good News for People Who Love Bad News." The whole thing is pretty amazing and damn near spiritual. It is for me, anyway.

wow, I totally didn't even plan on writing about this. I was going to write about how I had the most relaxing, wine and barbeque filled ten days of chilean independence day break ever. I guess this is more exciting than rock fondas* , sausage gut, horrid roomate surprises, and make up lovin' anyway.

*fondas= during the patriotic parties (fiestas patrias), the whole country enjoys going to fondas. They are usually held in a large parks, set up much like state fairs, and host traditional games, the national dance the cueca, and lots of people get fattened up on empanadas (baked crusty calzone type food stuffed with gaseus fillings) anticuchos ( like barbequed skewer delights, only chileans are really big on meats and tend to forget anything that resembles a vegetable to put on these sticks. You can find these on the streets any time of the year, but fully activated around this time. My motto is "when there's a barbeque on the street, don't eat the meat!!) get real drunk on chicha, an ultra sweet apple or grape fizzy wine. One shot of that stuff and you'll be saying tiqui tiqui tiii in no time. After going to 4 days of these as any good chilean would (and do) you also participate in the practice of repetir, and I'll just let you use your imagination and drinking experiences on that one. Although it sounds like I am critiquing, fondas are actually really very fun.

My boyfriend's band played at the one hosted by chilean radios, because the top 40 radio invited them. It was at the high society sector of Santiago where the buses are clean and the sidewalk shines. There wasn't any of that above mentioned stuff at that fonda. Just cuicos (yuppies) selling cell phones, platinum jewelry and expensive chocolates with roses painted on them. Oh well. I had my fun giving away stickers to fans of my boyfriend's band, and that was worth more than any pisco sour headache could ever offer.

They're called gauges in utah, extensiones in Chile.

2004-09-17T02:08:00.001-06:00

2004-09-17T02:08:00.000-06:00

yeah, that one hurt just a little.

2004-09-17T02:03:00.000-06:00

the prepping. this guy looks a lot like an old boyfriend, only this one is more hot.

2004-09-17T02:02:00.000-06:00

all done!

2004-09-17T00:51:00.000-06:00

just chillin between classes on the patio of uniacc.

word

2004-09-16T23:22:00.000-06:00

Can I change my title or my address to this thing? I was always soo bad at titles. Still am. It just sounds so dorky.

I don't even know where to start. I have this ten day vacation for the chilean independence days (sept. 18 and 19) and the week has been flying by. I have been reading a lot. Nothing completely, just a little of everything; my diary from when I was like 13 years old, cosmos and mademoiselles from the 90's (still good girly advice in there!), The Elements of Style (does that translate over in spanish?), various newspapers and e-zines and blogs. I think it's been good for me to do that. I miss reading.

I came to Chile with this crazy sense of potential. I was concious that things may not work out, but really excited for the adventure. Nothing could have prepared me to be traumatized by reading though. It was terrible. I couldn't understand the newspapers, or my texts, my photocopies, my tests, legal papers.. I felt so helpless. I used to write in my journal until the first part of my second year of university life. And I noticed it just came to a halt. I didn't even want to write about how terrible I felt.

My professors would tell me that my ideas are strange, hard to understand, and possibly don't translate in spanish, therefore my papers that I worked so hard on were wrong. Too red to read after corrected. Sometimes not even corrected. Just my grade, which sometimes is worse.

Reading in English helped a little, it's good to remind myself how words move me. How to capture or manipulate, dance around or with what you want to say can be so magical. Unfortunately, reading in English does little for my writing in spanish. Especially for my Informative Jounalism class, where I am banned from having an opinion. I think it's the hardest class I have. Funny how the classes I hate the most are the classes that supposedly form my carreer.

Reading other things reminds me that there are some really cool journalists out there. If I just keep jumping through these hoops, I'll be a real live certified cool journalist too. Just keep focusing on school, and try not to be distracted by all the life going on around me that screams my name, I just have to ignore it.....

....And then it hit me.. (again, actually. I thought about it before, but I give up too quickly I guess)

Just contribute. Anything. I go to so many concerts and shows here I bet I could pull off a really good review. It's a good way to get my foot in the door with any magazine. If I just send something in, with good pictures or at least an outsider's point of view, hell, even a gringa's point of view, maybe someone might give me a break.

It's frustrating being 22 and going back to school after hating it so much before. I had a 3 year hiatus with school between high school and college, due to some pretty shitty stuff getting in the way of me graduating my senior year, even when I had 5 years of advanced program education.

I came to Chile because it felt like a good jumping point. Far away, but with the support of more family members than ever before. I figured I could travel in the in between times, get a job quick and a chic apartment. Who in Chile doesn't want to give an experienced gringa a good job?

-Answer: Not too many unless they want to screw you over.

Nothing has turned out the way I planned. I got distracted by a rock star who wooed me, no job has fit me well enough to commit, my back is probably in serious trouble from the crappy cot I sleep on while co-habitating in dirty and small apartment with schmoes I found in the newspaper, I am not satisfied with most of the work I am turning in, and my parents never stop nagging.

Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. I am releasing, so that I can make room for some awesome thoughts I had, and to elaborate more. I remember a lot of projects I dreamed up for myself before I even thought about coming to study at Uniacc, the wierdest hollywood type communication college you'll ever find. My assignments might piss me off, but there's a whole lot of great resources here that most other universities don't have, or don't just let thier students borrow. So I'm going to use them to do all those little projects I dreamed about. A mini zine, flyers, photographs and videos. I'm ready to remember ME.

Screw that selfish thing. That little voice got a make over and it'll tell me to stop when I need to.

It's full on spring and totally natural that I form all these plans in my head and make lists and schedule times and everything. Can I make it? Baby steps can make it happen.

Here's what I've concluded.

Make everything I do fun, so as to have motivation left for other than school tasks.
Do it alone if I need to. Show up to shows, museums, installations and events sola.
Do it a lot. Form habits, and a budget just for this.
Use my resources. Friends, professors, family to revise work.
Reward my efforts. Hopefully all that networking will pay off.

I know that looks nerdy. Tried and proven formula, or whatever. But I know myself: I get distracted waaaay too easily. I hope this blog will help. In the long run, I hope to accomplish these things before I leave Chile.

work for a good media group
backpack Chile, and surrounding countries
make new friends
grow up a little
get a great new tattoo

Here's the best part. After reading all that stuff, I realized I'm still doing a lot of things I hoped for myself when I was little. I've traveled alone for weeks at a time, gone on some crazy roadtrips, lots of great shows and festivals, actually am dating a rock star (ha. and that one was a long shot!) and studying abroad on my own terms, have lived in awesome apartments before with amazing people, have the best friends ever ever ever, can cook anything your apetite desires, learned another language, am a dj for my own radio show, and have stayed true to the kid in me. Not bad.

mush

2004-09-07T21:10:00.000-06:00

Today's setlist:

meat puppets: backwater
porno for pyros: pets
radiohead: just
suzanne vega: tom's diner
modest mouse: paper thin walls
the notwist: pilots
guiso: flojo
le tigre: fake french
ex: la corbata de mi tío
mates of state: i know, and i said forget it
beastie boys: root down

yeah, weird show. short and melancholic with lots of rock mixed in. I did that because it's been raining for the past three days, and I'm feeling relief, and those songs fit the mood I guess.
After a weekend of crying on buses from town to town, many a drink and lots of thinking, I came back to the city to a sold out show my boyfriend played, and he received me with the biggest hug and desperate kisses and I felt 5000 times better. I feel like a 17 year old. Boy crazy and with a turbo charger on my back.
It's strange how things work out. I am at the end of this cold, and I feel like all my insecurities are washing out with this rain. I decided that all I can do is be me, but be the best version of me. I think some wonderful woman singer said that. Whoever she is, she is right, because when I seriously listen to myself and think clearly, I handle situations the best I know how, and that's how it should be I guess, because if I fake it, I'm only ruining myself, right? That type of thinking on the bus back to santiago, lots of great music from when I was 13 in my ears and an apple juice and yogurt for my hangover pushed me to that ecstatic point I was trying to get to on friday, when I got what felt like a c+ for that test of love that night. ugh. If I hadn't gotten those kind of grades all throughout high school, I would have been devastated. But I know that I can still pull off an A- by the end of the semester.. I just have to do a shitload of extra credit.
oh how embarrassing. It's 7:30 pm. and I've had my shirt on backwards all day long.. why didn't anyone say anything?! I was on t.v. during my radio show, too! hahahahahahahahahaha

pierced heart

2004-09-03T19:04:00.000-06:00

I am writing today after being a little shaken up. I have had almost 24 hours now to get over it, and am getting there, and working on being ecstatic before nightfall. This cold, this period and 2 brand new metal tubes in my ears aren't making it any easier.

My boyfriend lays on me after a bad miscomunication that he feels I am not enjoying his company, which leads him to believe he does not meet my expectations, that it depresses him, maybe we should break up.

I am shocked.

Maybe my investigation on the selfish thing has taken too long. I tend to do those in private, and then burst out with a new view on life as dramatically as walking out of a salon with a complete new cut. In my head I'm still talking about what kind of cut I want to walk out with- still unsure about what's real, about what works for me. In this metaphore my hair is curly when all I want is for it to be straight. I am taking too much time accepting reality. It dawns on me that being slow is also a way of being selfish. Not being true to the present is selfish. He has no idea that I am conducting an experiment. That this investigation is for the both of us, so that I can be happier, and in the end, happier with him.

I curb the break up thank goodness by talking about it a little. I confess that it's hard for me even after a year to give myself completely to someone. And for almost three years I lost track of how to be happy. But I know I love him, that I thought we were in love, it's good for couples to fight sometimes, and I don't expect anything from anyone, because I know what it's like for everyone to have expectations of me. In the middle of that wierd silence where niether one knows how to fix the thing, he just said "well let's get lunch" and that silence continued the walk to the restaraunt and through the main dish, until I said maybe I was ready to get something new.. a bicycle, a new tattoo..

So I got extentions. Not hair extentions.. My ears. Pierced to a 4mm in each ear. I've been wanting them for years. I look fabulous, but don't feel it, because I was still thinking about every possible what-if of our relationship. I am still confused as to what the status is exactly.

"What if he doesn't find me attractive anymore.. he spends all day with cute giggly mall rats. Of course I don't look as happy next to them."

"What if his fame is starting to get to him? He doesn't have time to deal with a confused person like me"

"Why didn't he offer his hand when the needle went in?"

"Maybe he doesn't love me."

on and on.

We're supposed to meet up tonight after I finish here at the U. After this I travel for the weekend. It feels like a test. I feel like I have to study both for this stupid statistics paper I don't understand, and also saving the best relationship I've ever had. Not enough time to even decide what to wear or what to say. Just as I am, and what I've got.

Yes. Being selfish makes you unorganized. Maybe if I were fulfilled I would have found it easier to opt for a more flattering outfit, something that makes me look good. Maybe it would come more naturally to enjoy studying, with the end in mind instead of worrying about how to fit it in. I would take advantage of the windows of opportunity instead of just keeping that option open while I wait for something else. I would be able to make decisions quicker.

I still have a lot of work to do.

not the fun kind of sneezing

2004-08-31T14:11:00.000-06:00

What a horrible day.
The local web at my university decided to crash right before my program started, therefore left me without a playlist and angry enough to cause a fever where I almost fainted. damn it. I had such a good set today, too. I put a whole lot of effort into it. I know I don't have all the resources I need to have a fool-proof show. I could really use a cd burner, maybe a webpage with a ton of memory to keep songs, anything that just secures me. But I got into radio thinking that because I know how to manage myself with the free resources at the U, maybe I can pull it off. nope. effen money always bites me in the ass.

so, to make it worthwhile for you, dear blog, I present a fabulous potential playlist:
Travis: Hit me baby one more time (Britney Spears cover, tribute to SCHMTV crap awards)
The Hives: Main offender
Franz Ferdinand: Take me out
Will Sartain: Beep!
All girl summer fun band: Video game heart
Insumisión: Sangre
Ex: La corbata de mi tío
Loft: Panico en Santiago
Tronic: Malos amigos
Audiosuite: untitled
Blonde Redhead: Elephant Woman (off thier new album "Misery is a Butterfly".. absolutely beautiful)
Postal Service: Such Great Heights
Call and Response: Rollerskate

I am just having one of those days where everything is passing me up. I owe work, I have to go all across town to get crap done, and all I want to do is go home, watch the news in my jammies and eat something bad for me and not focus on this horrid cold that is messing up my head. As much as I do it, I absolutely hate falling behind.
Am I weak? Do I have too high expectations of myself? I don't have too many classes. I am now organized. I don't miss out on anything.. why the hell am I not finishing things on time?! arg.

pms video smash on rollerskates

2004-08-30T17:15:00.000-06:00

So I'm back in Santiago after a not so great weekend with the parents. My fabulous and very loving aunt was there to distract them, which is great, but also just padded up the force between the old people, and me. oh jeeze, everything turned into "monica! do your homework! Your hair looks dull, how come you still don't know how to wash it? COME AND EAT!! well I didn't want to wake you up, I got you the late bus back into town because we all know how slow you are." aaaaak! And although I really love my parents, and sometimes look forward to snuggling up with them and helping them with the never ending saga of repairs and additions to the house they moved into almost a year ago, I am sure glad to just be back in the city and watching out for myself. I move faster in the city. I am treated like an adult, therefore act like one. I guess while at my parents I do tend to just veg and take things slow, so yes, they might see me as a slob. But it's been like that my whole life. Fast outside, paralyzed inside.

I have been talking to some more people about the selfish thing.. a friend and I remembered that Oprah always said that in order to help others, you have to be fulfilled first... well, it's that sort of thinking that got me all absorbed! I do think she's right though. That was my point at first. And my friend says that at 22, I should be thinking about me first. hmm...

Radio Flyer is tomorrow. I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be good. Maybe now would be a good time to get started on a new curtain, and maybe some publicity. The setlist looks pretty walter too. walter = alternative, off key, stylish. "Me gusta su sweater, es muy walter." "Encuentro que el video de steriogram es walter, pero no me convence su música."

remember that is at 3:oo in the p.m chilean time. http://radio.uniacc.cl

I am going to touch on music here. Aparently I move slow and was on the late bus to the city when the MTV's VMA's were going on, but I might as well have been. I heard it was crappy because they didn't even have a host to announce the presenters or categories and the live performances weren't great. But I looked up a recap and I am very upset about the results. Do people these days honestly have no sense of what rock is? O.K. Jet won and The Darkness was nominated, but also nominated were groups that are sooo not rock, and are even shitty. Linkin Park? Evanscense? Hoobasucks? WTF people?!! Jet is pretty good, but not enough to win. What about Velvet Revolver? That's got Slash and a whole new rehabed Scott Weiland!!! What about Foo Fighters, or Jane's Addiction, Courtney Love, The White Stripes, The Mars Volta, all the new Blink 182 songs on mtv lately.. those are all great. I am appalled.

and what the hell is all this hip hop battling? Not even americans have a good grip on what that is anymore and it's all they buy supposedly?! ah crap.

And I didn't see an electronic category or an animated video category, either. Uh, hello people. 2004, remember.. people use computers and they use them for music!! Daft Punk came out with some crazy videos for thier second album just last year in time for nominations. It's all japanimation love crazy. Leaves all that effects crap in the dust. ugh. don't even get me started on the effects award.. OUTKAST?! ok, great video. I never get sick of watching it.. but have you SEEN the Modest Mouse video?! It made me cry, it's so beautifully made!!! And all that art that was neglected. I study this stuff now. I am not ignorant to what it takes to make a good video. I just know there's a lot of good stuff not getting its credit, while mierdcola sponsored videos just flash some money in your face and that's supposed to represent a good presentation.

I am just soooo sad.

I wish I was there so I could have gotten piss drunk and crashed the party. That would make great ratings.

to make things happy, I am now listening to Call and Response's "Rollerskate" it's so quaint. You can find it at www.epitonic.com and look up call and response. do it. it's fun.

what would jeebus do?

2004-08-22T11:49:00.000-06:00

on the bus from santiago to quillota Saturday morning, I wrote in my planner:

This weekend started on Thursday night, or maybe even before the night o'clock when I was still at the U. wondering about the events of the day, Tronic's show at the Batuta that night, and about the forming cloud of uncertainty that had begun to muster, and still lingers until today. It could be a result of consumption, since that hour or so with amigo jorge seemed to kick start this wierd sentiment.
It feels like my sub.concious is trying to confront something strong enough that the rest of me feels it. Maybe I am realizing a characteristic that I am not proud of- what chileans call "interesada" (interested, in an ego.centric way) or in english, plain selfishness. And I am.
Why? Where is this coming from? How did this happen? Have I always been like this? How embarrassing.
I realize this is true because I've left out a lot of people, or have been putting me first, to get me working at my best. It has been a long time since I've visited my Tía Lili, gathered with good friends, or written to old ones. People who've always reached out to me, still haven't gotten thier thanks from my part; Ingrid and Bill, Editha, Ximena, Eliza, Em, Winnie, Jennica.
Also I have neglected simple missions or favors that people have trusted me to complete. Instead of taking a bus to the other side of town to drop off vitamins for friends of the family, I went home, got into my pajamas and went to bed. Could selfishness provoke unorganization? Maybe.
The habit of exluding others also excludes time for thoughfulness and compassion. This has to stop! I don't want to be selfish!! Old lonely ladies are bitter and uncompassionate. (incompassionate?) I already hope to not mother any little devils, so I better get on the ball with this being thoughtful thing, or else I could be punished with snotty children. eeegh.

So how is one supposed to better thier organization skills without being selfish?
Including others in your plans, and then completing your plans. Will try this througout the week.

Speaking of including others, Koko (a friend and ex-band mate of chavín's) invited us to a Hare Krishna temple last night. It was pretty cool. Fell into bed exhausted. Of course, with any religion, I felt strange at first. It's sooo hippie. Everyone sits on the floor and wears gypsy outfits and lots of cotton. I ended up having a great time anyhow even though we were told not to stretch our aching legs or touch each other after much time of achy crossed.leg sitting and trying to sooth one another's pain. (not to mention dirty looks for leather apparel... ah, the rock star tradition doesn't work for everyone I guess..)
I learned a lot. On Fridays, they have a devotion (or a thanks) to Paptri, a revolutionist for the Hare Krishna Culture. I say culture because I found it is more a lifestyle than it is a religion. Yeah, they go around saying glory glory hare krisha a lot, but it's way too open in other ways that in my book it doesn't fit under a religious category. then again, I am more ignorant than I would like to be on these subjects and could be completely wrong and am now curious enough to correct myself after some investigation.
I noticed that the room was separated between the sexes. In the temple you are not supposed to touch the opposite sex. The girls danced on one side, and the boys on the other. (I say boys and girls because mostly everyone was young, and saw many children as well, while the older ones tend to be authorities and do not participate in the activities as much. Or only attend the family lessons.) Anyway, man do those people know how to move!! I ended up dancing my ass off. I liked it because there was a certain brother/sisterhood in the whole thing. The girls seemed to play, and show each other new steps and spin around a lot, not unlike schoolgirls getting dizzy on the playgrounds. The boys did this as well. A lot of jumping, a lot of spinning, kicking thier toes. It was exhilirating. Chavín got thrown in as well, and at one point saw him bursting with laughter, as it is so contagious.
Lately, I have been seeking that kind of energy. Pure, generous, contagious energy. Not that I feel I am dwindling, but because it is in my nature according to the Briggs test that I need energy from others in order to feel inspired. I can't help but think that invitation just sort of fell into place.
Maybe things are preconceived. It has been affirmed lately that there are a lot of tests in life, and to pass sucessfully, one must be a lert and aware of what life brings them. One must have knowledge and concious of thier strengths.
I am not too sure of what my strengths are yet. It would not be too bad to observe others' strengths and ask them about it. How do they sharpen thier saws? I will investigate.
-my sister: very generous and balanced. She talks about God a lot.
-Sean Covey: Son of franklin planner creator. He says habit
-Chavín: happily established musician. hmm. I dunno. He talks about simplicity a lot.
-Winnie: cabrona in audio.visual, creative genious. maybe she's got something other than good luck that helps her out.
Also will pay more attention to good professors, and favorite music groups.

Sunday. Just finished a chat session with my sister.
Affirmative on the God thing. She says that turning over your life to God, taking action and accepting the outcome will help me not be so selfish. Also journaling. She's right about that. God is a pretty good example. I mean, who's more unselfish than the Man?

just testing

2004-08-18T16:38:00.000-06:00

a typical moment... right when i have something registered and ready (chileans would jokingly call this "matriculando") the computer people are kicking us out to have the room ready for a class. two minutes to play around.

informative journalism: investigate the dilema surrounding fiestas pátrias: have it ready for monday

t.v. studio: formed a group and handled gigantic studio camara all by my lonesome!! note to self: get eyes checked. was not sucessful at focusing. also, had an awkward moment when people remembered shows and washed up celebrities. mmm, maybe i should cave in and try to watch more t.v.... and make a diary of it so i know what the hell people are talking about.

sucess!! changed Radio Flyer from tuesdays at 3pm to wednesdays at 12:30. that way i get to be on t.v. and have more public, since everyone is out on the patio at that time. wooo hoooo!!

incredible news from tony the go go dancer. teee heee! maybe he'll come down to rio and throw a party.. i would totally get on a bus for a week in a coconut bra to party with that boy again!!

it is now officially kick out time. now off to hook up with niño, and have birthday cake. it's his sister's birthday!